When I get too hot in bed, I have nightmares. This has happened to me since I was very young; I remember having a blanket that always brought bad dreams, I realize now this was because it overheated me. I wore sweat pants to bed last night and true to form, scary, scary.
The trouble wasn't just the dream, it was that I'd wake up from it, realize what was happening, and then go right back into it again, unable to escape. The dream itself was about a creepy little girl that would try to "get" people; I think I was living in a group home or something? There was this system of getting away from her that involved a string around a doorknob and just holding it tight whenever she showed up, that way she couldn't get through the door. There was also a log by this door that recorded every time she showed up in that place. I asked some of the other kids if there was any pattern to her coming? They said there wasn't, she just showed up whenever she wanted. Terrific, I thought, so what's to stop her from showing up RIGHT NOW? Nothing, in fact. I had no idea what this girl would do if she got us, just that it was bad enough to stop her from getting in.
After one or two wakings, the dream shifted and started to trick me. I thought I was out of it; I started dreaming safe, random things, like I was back at 1315 West Fairview, Lorene got a puppy, my mother and Lorene wanted to go to lunch at The Sheep Shedde (THE SHEEP SHEDDE STILL LIVES IN MY DREAMS!), etc. Then before we were leaving, my mother asked Bubby to help her pick tulips outside. He said something about getting away from Alice. I knew he must have seen this scary girl because she looked like a deranged version of Alice In Wonderland. And I knew she was now messing with my kid. . .
The next phase of this was some twisted movie trailer featuring her, as a terrifying Alice in Wonderland. Her face had gotten older though, and she was an adult dressed in a little girl's dress. I woke up that time and decided enough was enough. I went down and slept with Matt, stayed there through the snores and all.
creepy.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Morning Pages, July 16.
Good morning. I love the treadmill.
I had a few things pop up at me yesterday, mastercard didn't receive my payment from our bill pay, I found out about this too late to attempt another payment and had to do a late one, and then I had to call them with my tail between my legs to explain why. This is the card I've had for sixteen years, sixteen years of on-time payments (down the drain). What a blow. I don't know why it happened, but there was some other issue between Mastercard and our bill pay a few months back where the payment was sent (a paper check), cashed, and deposited, but no one at MC had any record of it ever being paid. It took some doing, but it was straightened out in the end. Now this. It's annoying that this is happening, and I suppose if I really wanted to, I could start a bush fire under someone at our bank and get some answers or action on this matter, and the worst part of all this was actually sitting the day through and decided whether or not I would get into this with someone. I decided it wasn't worth it in the end, and once I did that, I felt much better. I paid it from my own bank's bill pay, which has been effective enough in the past. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice. . . .
Second thing was losing my check card after the Starbucks drive through yesterday afternoon. I also left every single window in the truck open until about midnight, so when I barreled out there to look for it once I remembered, I got in the car and tried to look for it but it was dark and I couldn't see anything. What I DID end up seeing was some huge animal, what kind I didn't find out until this morning (it was an opossum) all laid out on the street. Creepy. But I found the card in a Starbucks pastry bag this morning, so that's all good too.
What does this have to do with writing? Well, clearing my head, for one thing. I can't write anything if my mind wanders, which it's apt to do if random, ridiculous things are bothering me, which is why I try not to let things bother me. . .
But in any event, I am writing. I am doing a short story; it's going well, I think. For the first time since I started this, I had a few moments, maybe a half hour where I was in the zone, as it were, and I stopped hearing the music on my ipod and everything just flowed. I like flow. It's starting to get fun, now. Things have changed a lot from when I started, I've had to take things very slow, obviously, but I really, really like doing it now, which is awesome.
I had a few things pop up at me yesterday, mastercard didn't receive my payment from our bill pay, I found out about this too late to attempt another payment and had to do a late one, and then I had to call them with my tail between my legs to explain why. This is the card I've had for sixteen years, sixteen years of on-time payments (down the drain). What a blow. I don't know why it happened, but there was some other issue between Mastercard and our bill pay a few months back where the payment was sent (a paper check), cashed, and deposited, but no one at MC had any record of it ever being paid. It took some doing, but it was straightened out in the end. Now this. It's annoying that this is happening, and I suppose if I really wanted to, I could start a bush fire under someone at our bank and get some answers or action on this matter, and the worst part of all this was actually sitting the day through and decided whether or not I would get into this with someone. I decided it wasn't worth it in the end, and once I did that, I felt much better. I paid it from my own bank's bill pay, which has been effective enough in the past. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice. . . .
Second thing was losing my check card after the Starbucks drive through yesterday afternoon. I also left every single window in the truck open until about midnight, so when I barreled out there to look for it once I remembered, I got in the car and tried to look for it but it was dark and I couldn't see anything. What I DID end up seeing was some huge animal, what kind I didn't find out until this morning (it was an opossum) all laid out on the street. Creepy. But I found the card in a Starbucks pastry bag this morning, so that's all good too.
What does this have to do with writing? Well, clearing my head, for one thing. I can't write anything if my mind wanders, which it's apt to do if random, ridiculous things are bothering me, which is why I try not to let things bother me. . .
But in any event, I am writing. I am doing a short story; it's going well, I think. For the first time since I started this, I had a few moments, maybe a half hour where I was in the zone, as it were, and I stopped hearing the music on my ipod and everything just flowed. I like flow. It's starting to get fun, now. Things have changed a lot from when I started, I've had to take things very slow, obviously, but I really, really like doing it now, which is awesome.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Afternoon Pages, July 11.
anger.
I had a few issues with it this week. I was annoyed by the bike marathon around Lake Harriet that bungled my blade yesterday morning. I had to park at some ridiculous side street because every other entrance to the lake was blocked. I mentally snapped at every biker who refused to ride single file and the old bat who scolded me for trying to cross at the wrong place. And even while this was happening, I was telling myself that it was a minor inconvenience, nothing to freak out over. . . but it still really bugged me.
I focused instead on the creek and the beautiful bridge over it. The water was very sparkly. This helped a lot.
When I get bitchy about little things like these, I usually end up getting over it by focusing on something else, something that gives me strength or euphoria, or something nostalgic. Other times, and this is mostly at night before I go to sleep, I think of people who are less fortunate and send out hopes that they will find their strength, their euphoria, their nostalgia. I know it's not realistic to expect that every single thing will always go my way every time, but I suppose what I'm searching for above all is FLOW, and when it doesn't happen I get annoyed. This is why I keep to my routines. This is why I don't seek out a whole lot of excess interaction from others, if it makes me a hermit or a control freak, so be it, but my flow is very important to me.
I have been caught several times in my life holding onto things that mess up my flow or cause me to mess it up myself. Things that darken my spirit (sorry, cheesy, but it's the best description I can think of) or feel like they are poisoning me somehow. . .
working at Northwest was one thing, trying to convince myself I was not a writer was another. I started to feel this way again at my current (soon to be former) job; I can't hold onto it because it's just not good anymore. It served a purpose, yes, but it's over now. The end. I can't wait for the feeling my mornings will hold each day when I greet them with the wonderfully soothing notion that I will NOT have to go to Starbucks that evening. I can feel my body relaxing already.
I had a few issues with it this week. I was annoyed by the bike marathon around Lake Harriet that bungled my blade yesterday morning. I had to park at some ridiculous side street because every other entrance to the lake was blocked. I mentally snapped at every biker who refused to ride single file and the old bat who scolded me for trying to cross at the wrong place. And even while this was happening, I was telling myself that it was a minor inconvenience, nothing to freak out over. . . but it still really bugged me.
I focused instead on the creek and the beautiful bridge over it. The water was very sparkly. This helped a lot.
When I get bitchy about little things like these, I usually end up getting over it by focusing on something else, something that gives me strength or euphoria, or something nostalgic. Other times, and this is mostly at night before I go to sleep, I think of people who are less fortunate and send out hopes that they will find their strength, their euphoria, their nostalgia. I know it's not realistic to expect that every single thing will always go my way every time, but I suppose what I'm searching for above all is FLOW, and when it doesn't happen I get annoyed. This is why I keep to my routines. This is why I don't seek out a whole lot of excess interaction from others, if it makes me a hermit or a control freak, so be it, but my flow is very important to me.
I have been caught several times in my life holding onto things that mess up my flow or cause me to mess it up myself. Things that darken my spirit (sorry, cheesy, but it's the best description I can think of) or feel like they are poisoning me somehow. . .
working at Northwest was one thing, trying to convince myself I was not a writer was another. I started to feel this way again at my current (soon to be former) job; I can't hold onto it because it's just not good anymore. It served a purpose, yes, but it's over now. The end. I can't wait for the feeling my mornings will hold each day when I greet them with the wonderfully soothing notion that I will NOT have to go to Starbucks that evening. I can feel my body relaxing already.
Monday, June 28, 2010
morning pages 6/28
Mondays are early now; Zizzy has her dance class so we all have to get up earlier so Matt can come home early.
B12 is awesome for energy. . . I hope it's not possible to OD? I wonder what combining it with a red bull would do?
The house is quiet and I am the only one up. This is rare.
I got a fancy makeup set yesterday from Bare Escentuals with a gift card I gave to my mother (who did not use it and gave it back to me).
Piano time. The kids are old enough to do it, if only there were more TIME!
June is the fastest month, every year.
Sometimes I feel like a female Henry Bemis. I love my books.
B12 is awesome for energy. . . I hope it's not possible to OD? I wonder what combining it with a red bull would do?
The house is quiet and I am the only one up. This is rare.
I got a fancy makeup set yesterday from Bare Escentuals with a gift card I gave to my mother (who did not use it and gave it back to me).
Piano time. The kids are old enough to do it, if only there were more TIME!
June is the fastest month, every year.
Sometimes I feel like a female Henry Bemis. I love my books.
Friday, June 25, 2010
The Morning Pages, over a year later.
I haven't written anything on this blog since last year.
I tried to think of this primarily as my "writing blog;" I did morning pages for a while after reading about them in The Artist's Way but then Vin was born and I kind of flaked out on writing anything for quite a while. I was elbow deep in baby stuff, kid stuff, and when I wasn't doing that I was either catching up on my sleep or reading all my things for ICEA and getting childbirth educator-certified. Oh, and I was working at night, too. I had a few creative outlets, I finished my LOST Island Map cross stitch, I finished Miss Pac Man, and then I started doing all kinds of crazy felt experiments that eventually led to the Dharma Initiative coffee sleeves.
During all this I started to miss writing, and after a while I thought maybe I just might have a few too many balls in the air and that I needed a break from one or two of them. I took a break from childbirth ed and focused on doing what I wanted to do each day, then and there, which has been nice. I have been writing, irregularly, but making progress. I have learned that when I write something, and this has been true since college, I put most of my effort into the first 2/3 of a project, and then seem to rest on my laurels after that and half ass my way through the rest. I am trying not to do that with this thing of mine, mostly what I've been doing has been to construct a skeleton of what I someday want the story to be so that I can just move slowly and not feel pressured about finishing it. Moving slow can be annoying, but at least it's still on the table.
I spent some of my birthday money last night at Barnes and Noble--Elements of Style for Screenwriters and The Writer's Journey; we'll see about these.
I am only awake writing this because Matt came charging upstairs at 530am to rant about how he'd been up with Vin for 2 hours. Obviously he forgot that once I'm up, I AM UP. It takes me at least 45 minutes to fall back asleep once this happens, but apparently when the sun is up already, all deals are off. Ugh.
I tried to think of this primarily as my "writing blog;" I did morning pages for a while after reading about them in The Artist's Way but then Vin was born and I kind of flaked out on writing anything for quite a while. I was elbow deep in baby stuff, kid stuff, and when I wasn't doing that I was either catching up on my sleep or reading all my things for ICEA and getting childbirth educator-certified. Oh, and I was working at night, too. I had a few creative outlets, I finished my LOST Island Map cross stitch, I finished Miss Pac Man, and then I started doing all kinds of crazy felt experiments that eventually led to the Dharma Initiative coffee sleeves.
During all this I started to miss writing, and after a while I thought maybe I just might have a few too many balls in the air and that I needed a break from one or two of them. I took a break from childbirth ed and focused on doing what I wanted to do each day, then and there, which has been nice. I have been writing, irregularly, but making progress. I have learned that when I write something, and this has been true since college, I put most of my effort into the first 2/3 of a project, and then seem to rest on my laurels after that and half ass my way through the rest. I am trying not to do that with this thing of mine, mostly what I've been doing has been to construct a skeleton of what I someday want the story to be so that I can just move slowly and not feel pressured about finishing it. Moving slow can be annoying, but at least it's still on the table.
I spent some of my birthday money last night at Barnes and Noble--Elements of Style for Screenwriters and The Writer's Journey; we'll see about these.
I am only awake writing this because Matt came charging upstairs at 530am to rant about how he'd been up with Vin for 2 hours. Obviously he forgot that once I'm up, I AM UP. It takes me at least 45 minutes to fall back asleep once this happens, but apparently when the sun is up already, all deals are off. Ugh.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Comments on Society.
Only two.
1. There is this guy who lives 3 blocks down from us that is seriously beginning to worry me. He is short, kind of nerdy, and has this black dog (that I'll call "Sebastian") that he hauls around everywhere with him on a leash or leashes outside his house. Since we've lived in the neighborhood and going back to when we only had one kid (Bubby), this guy has absolutely gone crazy trying to get us to interact with this dog. Back in the day he'd just introduce us to the dog and assume that Bub wanted to play with it (which he did NOT) and constantly be up in everyone's grill about the damned thing. Now that there are many more kids, this situation has gotten 100 times worse and a little unnerving. Matt has had the kids walking by on their walk-route where he comes RUNNING over from a long distance away to get the dog over to them and say all the same things he's been saying for years. . . .(this doggie's name is Sebastian, do you want to pet the doggie? This doggie just loves kids! etc.). Of course Beebins loves dogs and probably would try to pet the thing, but it's gotten to the point where even the kids are put off by him and his manner and they just kind of stand around and smile uncomfortably because it's kind of awkward.
It's awkward because this guy is so. . . . creepy about the way he goes about interacting with everyone. ANd he talks to the dog as if it's a person, every time. ANd he stares at the kids when they walk by on occasions where the dog is NOT outside or available. And there is just something about his manner that suggests. . . . that we really don't want him anywhere near our kids. I mean, don't get me wrong, this guy is about 4 foot 9 and Beebins could probably kick his ass, but he is really, really suspicious-like and creepy. Plus Matt and I fricking HATE dogs, especially randoms' dogs who TREAT THEM AS THOUGH THEY ARE HUMAN BEINGS! There are a few neighborhood dogs that I actually like, mostly because I like their owners and the dogs just kind of follow suit, personality-wise, you know how that tends to happen with pets. . . but this guy and his dog? He came RUNNING down the block yesterday just so he'd run into us as we were unloading from the stroller after our walk. Then asked me all kinds of questions about the kids' ages. . . .
Git!
2. Someone at Hollywood Video started having a big fat fit in line the other day, (no, not a child a full grown adult) about the prices having gone up like 30 cents. DID YOUR PRICES JUST GO UP? WELL HOW MUCH DID THEY INCREASE? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WELL WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY DID THEY DO THAT?
Not a senior citizen on a fixed income, although I don't have sympathy for that either because I'll be working until I'm 100. . . .
but a normal middle aged guy. I will NEVER understand people and their stupid shit when it comes to money. YES the prices went up. WHO CARES when it happened? WHY DID IT HAPPEN? Do you really need to ask? TO MAKE BETTER PROFITS FOR THE BUSINESS obviously. If I was the employee helping this guy I would have eventually had to ask, "So yeah, do you want the movie or what? Because there's a line of people behind you that are totally cool with paying for the film. . . . " to bring closure to the situation, as most people who freak out about these things tend to just want to go on and on and on indefinitely about it.
Ugh.
1. There is this guy who lives 3 blocks down from us that is seriously beginning to worry me. He is short, kind of nerdy, and has this black dog (that I'll call "Sebastian") that he hauls around everywhere with him on a leash or leashes outside his house. Since we've lived in the neighborhood and going back to when we only had one kid (Bubby), this guy has absolutely gone crazy trying to get us to interact with this dog. Back in the day he'd just introduce us to the dog and assume that Bub wanted to play with it (which he did NOT) and constantly be up in everyone's grill about the damned thing. Now that there are many more kids, this situation has gotten 100 times worse and a little unnerving. Matt has had the kids walking by on their walk-route where he comes RUNNING over from a long distance away to get the dog over to them and say all the same things he's been saying for years. . . .(this doggie's name is Sebastian, do you want to pet the doggie? This doggie just loves kids! etc.). Of course Beebins loves dogs and probably would try to pet the thing, but it's gotten to the point where even the kids are put off by him and his manner and they just kind of stand around and smile uncomfortably because it's kind of awkward.
It's awkward because this guy is so. . . . creepy about the way he goes about interacting with everyone. ANd he talks to the dog as if it's a person, every time. ANd he stares at the kids when they walk by on occasions where the dog is NOT outside or available. And there is just something about his manner that suggests. . . . that we really don't want him anywhere near our kids. I mean, don't get me wrong, this guy is about 4 foot 9 and Beebins could probably kick his ass, but he is really, really suspicious-like and creepy. Plus Matt and I fricking HATE dogs, especially randoms' dogs who TREAT THEM AS THOUGH THEY ARE HUMAN BEINGS! There are a few neighborhood dogs that I actually like, mostly because I like their owners and the dogs just kind of follow suit, personality-wise, you know how that tends to happen with pets. . . but this guy and his dog? He came RUNNING down the block yesterday just so he'd run into us as we were unloading from the stroller after our walk. Then asked me all kinds of questions about the kids' ages. . . .
Git!
2. Someone at Hollywood Video started having a big fat fit in line the other day, (no, not a child a full grown adult) about the prices having gone up like 30 cents. DID YOUR PRICES JUST GO UP? WELL HOW MUCH DID THEY INCREASE? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WELL WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY DID THEY DO THAT?
Not a senior citizen on a fixed income, although I don't have sympathy for that either because I'll be working until I'm 100. . . .
but a normal middle aged guy. I will NEVER understand people and their stupid shit when it comes to money. YES the prices went up. WHO CARES when it happened? WHY DID IT HAPPEN? Do you really need to ask? TO MAKE BETTER PROFITS FOR THE BUSINESS obviously. If I was the employee helping this guy I would have eventually had to ask, "So yeah, do you want the movie or what? Because there's a line of people behind you that are totally cool with paying for the film. . . . " to bring closure to the situation, as most people who freak out about these things tend to just want to go on and on and on indefinitely about it.
Ugh.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The Meaning of Life
I have arrived at a conclusion. The meaning of life is giving yourself things to look forward to. Not necessarily material things, but events, feelings, rewards, interactions, etc. The more you can stack the deck toward things you can happily anticipate, the better. Pick things out of the day that can qualify, even if they are small and seemingly unimportant.
Here are some of mine, at this late time of the evening:
1. peeking in on the kids and seeing them asleep.
2. watching media event with Matt
3. media event snack.
4. geeking out with my cross stitch.
5. the two huge, firm pillows on my bed that make my sleep heavenly.
Here are some of mine, at this late time of the evening:
1. peeking in on the kids and seeing them asleep.
2. watching media event with Matt
3. media event snack.
4. geeking out with my cross stitch.
5. the two huge, firm pillows on my bed that make my sleep heavenly.
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