very telling.

you can tell EXACTLY where i am in my "cycle" by a few things actually, but if i'm ever confused, all i'll have to do is go back through these blogs and see what i was dreaming about. if there are hot man dreams, i am waxing toward ovulation. bitterness or mother issues? heading toward surfing the crimson wave.

last night beebins FINALLY slept decent. i was THRILLED. however, when she did decide to wake up at 5am i was seriously right in the middle of a Clooney dream. I haven't had one in a really, really long time. it wasn't major it was just that i was going to get to watch a screening of ocean's 13 with him on his laptop on the floor of his hotel room. oh, what could have been!!!

did i mention. . .

that while very illuminating and beautiful to look at, i really am beginning to loathe full moons?

the chaos around here is 10 times its normal level. the only thing semi-holding things together is that bubby, in effort to secure himself a rubber snake and rubber shark from the rainforest cafe, has been really trying to be good, so his role in this is for once, minimal.

zizzy has 20030404303 fits per day about clothing, changing her outfits, and not being able to get into them properly. SCREAMING fits. she gets super mad and wants my help but doesn't want my help and then gets madder at the fact that she knows that she NEEDS my help. all her clothes are now taken out of her drawers and on hangers. the rest of the clean laundry that i had folded and sorted in a laundry basket is on the top shelf of her closet. i am not dealing with it anymore.


beebins. has not slept in approximately 3 days. the tooth has finally started to ridge out onto her gum line but the thing is, she is not just teething/tired/crazy, she has become the master sleep fighter. kicking and flailing and writhing around like a goddamned SNAKE. i thought the constant sleep interruptions were actually going unnoticed (in and by me) but right after lunch today i had a trademark SPAZ over something small (the telltale sign i have not had enough sleep or am just really really hungry) and i realized that THIS FUCKING SUCKS. she's getting the tylonal tonight, for sure. ugh.

zizzy got all of her teeth without so much as a peep. but this is also the child that slept through the night at 2 months, weaned herself a 8 months, ate every morsel of anything ever put in front of her and basically smiled her way through baby-hood. Oh and spoke in sentences at 13 months too, so if she ever did get upset about something, she told us IN WORDS what she was pissed about.

onto the more interesting items (not really). . .

1. dreamed about joey from work again 2 nights ago. this is getting a little. . . weird. again, not a sexual dream, but the implications of what happened in it are. . . disturbing. we were working at starbucks, i was the shift and he was the barista. then soon, MATT (my husband) comes in and HE's the shift and he's coming in to relieve me and he is going to close the store. so i'm leaving him this massive list of things that need to get done and pretty soon i realize that joey is leaving too, with me. as in, we're leaving together. i don't know if i'm giving him a ride, or if he's coming with me for some other reason or what, but the real issue is that I'm leaving work, leaving all my responsibility on matt, and i'm leaving with some dude. weird.

2. last night, i dreamed about lee gemlich (old manager from northwest that i though was hot). the dream also was not sexual or inappropriate, as far as my dreams normally go, but very random and strange. i was in some sort of detention at the U of M, for something, i don't know what. i think i was supposed to be a grad student. but a group of us were being interrogated for something and some creepy Mrs. Danvers lady was leading the questioning. I was getting mouthy and she was not impressed. soon i see from up in some little observation booth, lee gemlich is up there watching this whole thing. i saw him and wondered what he was doing there, like did he become a professor or something? then he came down because i guess he was the main guy in charge, and he had to get involved. i noticed he was wearing a red coat and goddamned riding boots or something (which now that i think about it, would make sense because he does bear resemblance to the actor jason isaacs who has played the main bad guy in the mel gibson film THE PATRIOT in which he would deffo have had on a red coat and riding boots. . . he is also the actor that plays LUCIUS MALFOY, who i also find intensely hot) and soon HE'S the one questioning me. but when he came down i had to sit down on this weird bar stool and face away from him while he paced around me in circles. the only awkward part of this whole thing was when i suddenly realized he was touching my back, as if to give me a back rub or something.

which, in my hierarchy of wants and needs right now, would rank WAY above sex.

rationalizing

i have not been very productive this week so far. i have not gotten up early to write. i have not done any denise austin. i have not
restrained from using my credit cards (my most recent and excitable purchase being THE MONSTER 1200 STEAMER, but i am justifying it because i am paranoid about germs, bugs, bed bugs, and germs from bed bugs after the maggot situation going on outside in the dumpster).

i have been eating a bunch of utter SHIT and all of these things I am telling myself are because A. "Her monthly bill came early,"
and B. Beebins has not been sleeping. Like, AT ALL. Waking an average of 4 times per night. her cold is much better now and on its way out, but seriously. snotty nose, developmental achievements and . . . i don't know what else do not make for a restful baby. today when i tried to put her down for her nap she literally FLAILED and WRITHED IN MY ARMS for the entire time the bottle was being given in effort to keep herself from falling asleep and submitting. annoying.

so really, i'm just blabbing and declaring to myself that i get some passes when it comes to being efficient in my misguided effort to try and be some sort of writer. i have set of short stories i am going to work on, bit by bit (bird by bird), but they haven't "sat" long enough in my mind for me to know them. so many of the things i write are kind of born on their own, coming to life and mutating a million different ways each day i spend with them. . . i just can't force this stuff. so in the meantime, i will be cross stitching, playing guitar hero, and waiting for inspiration.

and my baby to sleep.

rally round the family

I bested Tom Morello on expert battle mode yesterday. It was very VERy gratifying. I kept on with the next few songs, and wouldn't you know it, I'm onto some of my favorite ones now, Scorpions, Rock You Like A Hurricane, ZZ TOp, La Grange, and Pearl Jam, Even Flow. I am not actually playing these songs **well** when I do them, but I'm getting past them all the same. Even though I cursed him many times, the battles with Tom Morello really really improved my. . . technique, if you could call it that.

I was flipping through Facebook's pieces of flair application yesterday and doing a search for guitar hero flare, and most of the buttons that were on there were negative ones, as in, circle with cross through (guitar hero in the middle), or I PLAY REAL GUITAR. seriously. why people gotta hate? and if it's the musicians doing the hating of this game, well, GET OVER YOURSELVES. it's fricking fun. maybe it's not actual musicianship, but you definitely get a better score for being able to perform little rhythm things correctly, you have to memorize all kinds of patterns, be able to gauge where your hand needs to be, when to move it, invent finger board patterns to get a better score and do things faster, etc.

When kids do suzuki violin method (proper), they are supposed to spend the first year practicing ONLY on a little cardboard faux-violin contraption before they can get their real 1/10 size violin. this supposedly prepares them for the weight of the instrument, where to put their hands, and just hanging onto it in general. granted, every single guitar hero nerd out there is not going to run out and buy themselves an ibenez just so they can do it for real, but i know at least one guy who did it that way because he apparently enjoyed the game so much he wanted to rock out an ACTUAL GUITAR. i think that is cool. I probably won't ever be a real guitar hero, but i may just try fiddling around on an electric someday to pretend.

2. by practicing a little guitar hero each day, i seem to get better and better. I am going to try to do the same with writing, it's gotta have the same effect, eventually, right?

3. caramel frappucino last night. i was sooooooo bad. but it was very delicious. matt thought it was wretched. MORE FOR ME!!!

4. i got the brangelina twins people magazine yesterday at lund's on penn ave (thanks for the tip, lisha). i hauled ass up to walgreens 3 different times this week trying to get it only to find that they either weren't carrying it or they weren't putting it out until the other people magazines (about some abducted girl?) were gone. i got it home and looked at it outside on the deck and pretty much bawled at how cute they all are and how much I love those beautiful kids. So many people I know really hate angelina (and pitt), and honestly, i suppose i can say she's not my favorite person ever (pitt even less so) but that one shot, with the whole family lined up, sitting down, pax flinging his foot out towards the camera, and maddox holding shiloh laying down? That was the best, true, chaotic picture of a family, ever. suddenly 4 kids doesn't seem like too many (!) :)

(none of this can be breathed to my mother, who literally would SLIT MY THROAT if/when I ever get pregnant again.)

5. i am pretty much dashing the entire idea with this small short story i started and taking a completely different approach with it. that anne lamott book (bird by bird) really is a great inspiration. i enjoy her very much. now, if only she wasn't so damned negative and depressive.

6. i bought a star trib yesterday just to have something to buy at walgreens (when they didn't have people). I get the dumb thing home, glance slightly at the twin cities section, of course see something about PEOPLE BEING BEATEN WITH BASEBALL BATS AROUND SOME GODDAMNED LAKE PHALEN IN ST. PAUL and promptly pitch the fucker into the garbage. well, to be fair, i let beebins play with the sports and business section, but i definitely shit-canned the news sections.
what is going on? i haven't been able to read a paper for probably a good year, because every time i do, i read about some death or child abuse situation. ENOUGH!!!

my new favorite things

1. getting up early, before the rest of the family. i got up at 530 today and monday and it was actually wonderful having all the free time I wanted to do all my things. Granted, i went to bed at 1030 both nights but on nights i actually get enough sleep, i think i might do this all the time

2. guitar hero, on expert. it's wonderfully hard. i am obsessed. matt calls me KWAN the little prodigy that hacks the game in 2 tries. i still have not been able to beat tom morello on the battle, but i'm improving.

3. TONS of caffeine. (not new i guess).

4. um, fricking malibu rum and cranberry juice. have to be careful here.

5. beebins inch-worming all over the house. and pointing. and doing raspberries. NOT NAPPING RIGHT NOW i could do without.

random thoughts and happenings

(list form, time is short)

the good:

1. charlie called me today. he seems fine.
2. my hair is less orange after a little fix session and cut at juut.
3. the neighborhood seems to be filling up with kids and babies.
4. I only have to work for an hour and half meeting tonight.
5. books. I got a huge load at b&n clearance the other night, many more on deck.
6. a good idea for a book/film website someday.
7. beebins is upstairs gurgling, screeching, and laughing to herself.
8. she said MAMA (to me) yesterday.
9. I haven't charged anything on a credit card in 3 weeks.
10. bubby loves reading about insects.

the bad:

1. the haircut is a bit. . . mom-ish, as in too.
2. people's serious self absorption and materialism is annoying.
3. people are starving.
4. people are dying.
5. people are not nice to each other.
6. there are more important things in life than orange hair (straight teeth, fendi bags, perfectly round breasts, etc.)


in closing: the story of poop-man.

poop man eats dirt and worms. he lives in our toliet sometimes where many other smaller poop kids are put. poop man is the dad of all these poop kids, everywhere. everyone's poop in the whole world is poop man's kids. sometimes poop man goes out on his own and gets lost, like in the oven. then when he wants to see his kids he just goes into the oven pipes to the fridge pipes and finds the toilet pipes. then we say, "BYE POOP MAN! SEE YOU NEXT TIME!"
the end.
by bubby and zizzy.

Now I'm verclempt. . .

After a few quite unpleasant days I am happy to report that things are back on the up and up around here. Hopefully this will not jinx anything, but here goes anyway.
I have gotten over my issues with Jessica Alba. I'm sure she's a very nice person.

Beebins started sleeping quite well again. (KNOCK WOOD!) In the pack and play, by herself, without being tightly swaddled or constantly nuk-ed. Either she's getting nice and worn out during our outdoor activities during the afternoons and evenings or the growing/teething/developmental achievements are making her tired. Either way, it's been pleasant. Last night she made it until 5am. This is great!

Sometimes I look around here and watch the kids interact with each other and us and I think that I'm going to burst, they make me so happy. I am so thankful for the house and everyone in it. And the little things too, like Matt being happy at his job now, which can support us well, even my job, which has been much more fun, close, and profitable since I came to my new store.

Full moon again?
I only hope I am deserving of this.
Like Ace of Base once said, "IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE."

KING OF PAIN.

as in, i feel like the.

yesterday did not go well.
beebins woke up at 545. FOR THE MORNING. she had been up approximately 3 times prior to this early waking, so needless to say matt and i were both very tired and did not share her kicking enthusiasm for the morning. then she had a doctor's appointment at 10, which matt brough her to, and she had to get 3 shots, which is never pleasant. matt said she was super happy and kicky, flailing about and smiling at everyone. then the sticks. . . and the WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHY DID YOU LET THEM DO THAT TO ME?!?!?!? look . . .

while matt and beebins were at the doc's, i took the kids up to walgreens to get some cleaning supplies and then a coffee cake snack at starbucks. mia proceeds to fall onto the knee which was scabbed up 2 days ago from falling on it, and reopens the wound and bleeds everywhere. so we go BACK to walgreens to get some sponge bob bandaids and head home.
later, after a target trip I manage to burn my arm on the oven taking the pizza out and the kids were running around spazzing from the sugar in the lemondae (bi-ade) i let them have with dinner.

NEXT: as they are chasing all over the place, mia pushes quentin into the wall, where he splits a gash into his head. it was gushing blood and causes us all to pile into the truck and speed to the southdale ER. I called work on the way there, and luckily they were covered so they told me to not worry about it. long story short=we wait until 1030pm for bubby to get the wound stapled together. matt brought the girls home after leah (FAMILY SAVIOR) showed up with a jimmy john's and later some coffee for me, entertainment, and moral support for bub. she also took pictures of his head so he could "see" what it looked like, as he kept asking.

AND matt got a migrane.

THE END.

The Rain.

It has me thinking of a million things all at once. My memory is a deep and complex trap that has so many nostalgic items tied up in the rain going through it right now. We just got back from a little walk up to get coffee where it rained a bit off and on most of the way. The minute I smelled it I was in the middle of: the orange circus peanuts in a kemp's ice cream bucket on the last day of Mrs. Desotell's Kindergarten field trip to nester park.

The day it poured for hours and my brother and I had to move the garbage bins (which were hacked off bright aqua colored containers that once held fertillizer from northside) again and again as the rain kept wooshing them off the curb.

The night my mother had a million of her hutchinson friends over, we ate green chili burritos (lorene hanson's recipe), sang and played folk tunes on the piano, and chased our first bat in the new house.

The day we went to the twin's game for a 6th grade field trip and i wore my cousin heidi's aqua green esprit spring jacket and lost the $10 my mother gave me (over which I cried the entire game).

The smell of dirt in the Tersteeg's/Terry's parking lot when they put up the greenhouse and had lilies for mother's day.

The 8th grade field trip to the eden prairie mall and then some outdoor excursion/picnic where the biggest issue was my hair getting flat because of the weather. (other noteworthy items were purple eyeliner and a whitesnake cd).

The smell of the cornfields at 6am after it had rained the night before.

In 11th grade there was a night over at julie's where denise and chad fischer took my camaro and put a LOG into it. Later that night I hooked up with the Chris Wittenberg. Also, there was a huge tornado that ripped through highway 71 going north on the night of our prom (almost paradise). I had no idea of this of course, as I had been busy at the time, hooking up with Chris Wittenberg.

The second night we had Bubby home from the hospital it rained. It was April, and the day had been hot so the rain was refreshing. He slept in the bouncy chair while we all ate Leah's wisconsin cheddar soup, watched The Sopranos, and then Deadwood. I learned how to use the breast pump that night. We had Lund's cherry cranberry "juice drink" in the refridgerator, as Lois had determined that I was dehydrated and needed to drink many more fluids.

When Bub was about a year old it would rain often too. I remember having the windows open and the nice breeze blowing in through them carrying the rainy smell. I would get paranoid that he would knock out the window-prop and cause the heavy window to slam down on his fingers, so I didn't ever let him lean out on to the window sill although he wanted to very much. We watched a lot of baby neptune back then, and the Sesame Street 25th anniversary video that had En Vogue doing one of the segments.

After Zizzy was born we took walks to walgreens and kowalski's almost every day. One time we left when the sun was shining and when we came out of the store it was pouring rain. I had to distract bubby from the unpleasantness of getting wet so the whole way back i kept telling him we were getting SOPPED! he found the word hilarious and kept repeating it too. I made a scrapbook page of a picture i took of us when we got back. Zizz in the bjorn and bub leaning in, all of us totally soaked.

Then, last year, on July 18, KRIS SCOTT left our roof exposed with no tarp over it during a downpour that lasted about 2 hours. I was here with the kids when water started pouring in, first through all the light fixtures and then through every seam in every ceiling in the back half of the house. We left the house the next day and did not live in it again until October 28.

On our way back from Starbucks tonight, Beebins was kicking and laughing and having a great time watching the other two kids run around collecting leaves. I think part of the wonder of having kids, especially when they are babies, is the complete innocence and optimism with which they see the world. I thought of all my rain memories and hoped that by the time Beatrix is my age she will have fond rain memories too. I hope my kids never have to know war or poverty or desperation. I feel like I have been lucky so far not having to deal with these things firsthand myself although many many other people have. I want days where everyone in the world has nothing on their minds but the ridiculous kinds of things that fill mine.