Afternoon Pages, July 11.

anger.

I had a few issues with it this week. I was annoyed by the bike marathon around Lake Harriet that bungled my blade yesterday morning. I had to park at some ridiculous side street because every other entrance to the lake was blocked. I mentally snapped at every biker who refused to ride single file and the old bat who scolded me for trying to cross at the wrong place. And even while this was happening, I was telling myself that it was a minor inconvenience, nothing to freak out over. . . but it still really bugged me.

I focused instead on the creek and the beautiful bridge over it. The water was very sparkly. This helped a lot.

When I get bitchy about little things like these, I usually end up getting over it by focusing on something else, something that gives me strength or euphoria, or something nostalgic. Other times, and this is mostly at night before I go to sleep, I think of people who are less fortunate and send out hopes that they will find their strength, their euphoria, their nostalgia. I know it's not realistic to expect that every single thing will always go my way every time, but I suppose what I'm searching for above all is FLOW, and when it doesn't happen I get annoyed. This is why I keep to my routines. This is why I don't seek out a whole lot of excess interaction from others, if it makes me a hermit or a control freak, so be it, but my flow is very important to me.

I have been caught several times in my life holding onto things that mess up my flow or cause me to mess it up myself. Things that darken my spirit (sorry, cheesy, but it's the best description I can think of) or feel like they are poisoning me somehow. . .
working at Northwest was one thing, trying to convince myself I was not a writer was another. I started to feel this way again at my current (soon to be former) job; I can't hold onto it because it's just not good anymore. It served a purpose, yes, but it's over now. The end. I can't wait for the feeling my mornings will hold each day when I greet them with the wonderfully soothing notion that I will NOT have to go to Starbucks that evening. I can feel my body relaxing already.