more items.

about the uncomfortable cc-days "exchange": a friend of mine, who actually was there for the whole thing, thought that my dislike for this particular person was bordering on pathetic immaturity and that i was holding onto things that happened years ago for no good reason and that i really should get over it.

i thought about this for a while, and i suppose, in the run of things, the things this person said and did to me were not really the most horrible that could have happened. people all over the world are bullied, as in actually bullied, much, much worse. and god knows that i was rude to people too, said mean, catty things, backstabbed, and gossiped. but these things (sadly, i think) were pretty much contained within my small circle of friends and NOT to randoms who had nothing to do with anyone i associated with.

i'm going to quit mincing words now, because there really is no honor in it. if i'm going to truly feel these things and own up to my feelings, then i will be blunt about it.

1. jill boerboom has always been a huge bitch to me.

2. she is pretty much the only one from high school i can say this about (unless we start in on the class of 93, and there are a few from this class, but on a much less regular basis so they get let slide).

3. i don't know what exactly i did to make her ALWAYS be rude and mean, but from the sounds of it, i wasn't the only one she did this to.

4. in 7th grade civics class in the back of the classroom, while the rest of us probably sat in utter boredom while chet boen ranted on and on about something, jill boerboom told mikey vogt that i was the flattest one in the class. as we had been in gym class for a good number of months by then, she apparently had credibility to make such a statement having seen me changing in the locker room, first hand. to be fair, i think mikey vogt initiated the conversation by asking who had the biggest rack in the class, but the bit about me somehow made it into the conversation as well. for the rest of the year, the following year and the year after that, every guy in the class made it a point to REMIND me that they knew i was as flat as a board, the flattest one in the class, or (my favorite) TWO DIMENSIONAL. not until working in the fields in the summer before 10th grade was there any release. . . when adam serbus noticed and then announced, ANNA'S NOT AS FLAT AS A BOARD ANYMORE.

5. who the crap has breasts when they are 12 years old?

6. i think the only guys in our class that did not say anything rude to me about this matter were: Mike McDowell, THomas, Stevens, Jody Neu, and Steven Stuhr. Maybe Craig Sparby stayed out of it as well. EVERYONE ELSE SAID SHIT.

7. i have an extremely long and sophisticated memory.

8. i thought that better than faking a nice conversation with her at cc-days, my weirdness and failure to look her in the eye the entire time she stood next to me (while matt and elyssa yelled SHE FUCKING HATES YOU!!! over and over) was at least honest. she has never spoken to me about anything, ever. why she wanted to talk to me about the reunion i will never know. there were plenty of other people from our class who were there, who i spoke with, who i was never close with but had an interest in seeing/catching up with. . . .this was just different. i don't forgive her. and what's more, the shit she pulled with me was probably minor compared with what happened to other girls. she was not nice in volleyball, either.

9. i hope to god my girls never have to deal with someone like this. i know it's part of life, part of growing up, part of growing "character," being able to forgive and forget, etc. I will probably forgive some day but don't bet that i will EVER forget.

moving on

1. we went to see THE DARK KNIGHT the other night. it was GLORIOUS. i am full on in love with christian bale as bruce wayne.
i said it before on my media rants blog, but if it were possible to get impregnated by a film, this one would have done it. whoOt!

2. i am taking the shakespeare class at the U this fall. dove in and registered.

3. in order of preference, my new list of celebrities to have sexual dreams about is: CHRISTIAN BALE, GEORGE CLOONEY, and BAM MARGERA.

4. i miss the old olivia. things are just different now and every time i go back i am hoping for it to be "my olivia" not the real one it currently is. i think rod serling was very much onto something with all of his nostalgic twilight zone episodes about old men wanting to go back to their hometowns and realizing it was impossible and that they'd gotten old, things had changed. maybe people who just can't ignore nostalgia become writers or professional scrapbookers.

5. bubby is onto sharks now. i don't know what the hell i was doing when I was 4, but i can be sure i wasn't memorizing insect and shark books and telling anyone who would listen about their properties/characteristics/eating habits, etc. for all the work this child was as a baby (not sleeping, EVER) i hope this is an indication of things to come. he never slept because in the future he will be researching scientific items with which he will CURE CANCER OR HIV or something significant like that.

a fuller account

and i don't mean jake fuller.

to be fair, my brother was not the only one who let a spot of alcohol "affect" his actions.
looking back on saturday night, i really have to admit that i acted rather foolish myself when it came to being
drunk and disorderly (and seeing/talking to certain people at max's).

i had several drinks. i went to the front row of HAIRBALL and jammed out when they played poison (but leah did it with me, so i don't feel that dumb about it). i had several more drinks but at least had the sense to avoid shots; not one other person i was with, EVEN MATT, can say the same. at about midnight i was starting to get a little tippy on my feet and kind of started staggering. this of course was when the people i really REALLY didn't want to see or talk to came popping out of the woodwork. to deal with this, every time someone tried to make some sort of introduction or say hi to me (where i would rather have NOT interacted at all) i would just solve the problem by creating some other huge spectacle, like dumping someone's drink out on them (mostly matt) or on myself by accident, or tripping and falling (also not intentional but effective nontheless). without going into specifics or being really rude and offensive. . . well, people who know me can probably guess what and who this exchange was with. happily, someone else at the table decided to blurt out a bit of background while i was mopping up a spilled drink along the lines of HEY ANNA'S NOT AS FLAT AS A BOARD ANYMORE. . . . (thankx btw). other things were also uttered by my tablemates, things i can't really spell out here if i want to maintain a pg-rated blog.

anyway. i was very immature, it was kind of embarassing, but when it comes down to it, i am just not ready to MAKE NICE yet. give me another year or so and i'll consider it. for now, THE V FOR VENDETTA REMAINS.



also: we watched the end to harry potter and the phoenix today again, and much to my excitement, bubby has decided he no longer wants to be LUCIUS or DRACO malfoy when he plays harry potter, he wants to be SIRIUS BLACK (complete with whippy wand actions and saying GET AWAY FROM MY GODSON. . . .YOU'VE DONE BEAUTIFULLY, NOW LET ME TAKE IT FROM HERE).

oh the heart bursts with pride sometimes!

ugh.

hmm.

the last time i remember feeling this disgruntled after a cc-days was in 2003 when my brother was extremely drunk, rude, and disrespectful to everyone there save for his gross druggie friends. shortly after bubby was conceived. . . .
all was fine, really, the events went really well, we hit up crazy days, the park festivities, and the parade of course. the band at max's, HAIRBALL, was quite enjoyable.

there was however, the issue of being screamed at by my brother (in front of 4 of his friends and to the severe annoyance of bubby and beebins, who were both WOKEN UP multiple times by this as it was 4am) for his not having his own bed room and therefore having no where to sleep.

i have no words for how. . . AT A LOSS i am. i seriously cannot believe the rudeness of it all. things were extremely uncomfortable when i left this morning and i still honestly do not know really what the hell was going on. my mother of course **tried** to stay out of it but really came in on his side for most of it on a phone call afterwards, so then I am to believe that screaming your head off at 4am in the middle of a house full of sleeping children is acceptable if you happen to be feeling you were given the go-by?

gag.

in other news, i totally fell off the not-using-the-credit-card bandwagon the day before we left.

a few controversial statements

1. oral sex is meant for dating. who has time for this otherwise?

2. the good people out there that are decent and moral have an obligation to have many children in order to combat the millions of childbreeding morons out there who are not decent and moral. screw recycling and green drycleaning. save the world from morons. do your part: CONCEIVE.

3. minnesota vikings fans are like battered housewives, always believing the impossible will become possible.

4. men should never wear sweatpants EVER. and unless they are dressy and worn together with a professional ensemble, DITTO FOR BLACK SOCKS.

Somewhere in the world there are actual problems. . .

But in the meantime, here are the Starbucks patrons' issues.

1. some ESL dude and his "property" stood at the register and scrutinized the receipt of their FOUR VENTI STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM FRAPPUCINOS (which, after the cinnamon dolce and java chip are the highest priced items on the menu) and asked if we were certain that there was tax on a frappucino. Um, yes we are, and yes there is. Are you even in your right mind to contemplate that STARBUCKS wouldn't pay taxes? That the government isn't on top of that action? Please. 3.45 = $3.78 with tax. FOUR TIMES.
You were okay with paying $3.45 but when it crossed the line to $3.78, suddenly it seemed like it was maybe too steep?
Then as I plop them all up onto the counter asks me ARE YOU GOING OUT OF BUSINESS?!?!?! i said, this store specifically or starbucks in general? STARBUCKS IN GENERAL. ??!?!?!?????!???!??!


2. Pregnant granola south minneapolis chick comes in for her decaf espresso pods and sees that they all expire on august 31. a box of pods holds 12. has a scowling bit of attitude about it all and stomps out. if you have a box of pods that will be sitting around until august 31 then you are not a real coffee drinker anyway and clearly if you're drinking decaf you don't require any sort of quality whatsoever so who cares when it expires?

3. 4 year old child having a screaming fit because he could not have a hot chocolate. . . .OH WAIT. that was MY child. Then refused to walk across the street with leah and continued the fit out on the sidewalk but at least out of earshot and away from my coworkers. how embarassing.

Middle of Summer

yes, it's clicking by now, isn't it?

1. zizzy is wearing the butterfly princess ballarina costume that barb godin gave her when she was born. she insists on only wearing LITTLE MERMAID pull ups and refuses the cinderella ones. last night on the family trip to half price books she found a delightful ballarina book complete with butterfly wings, little star confetti, a tutu, and jewel stickers. pink purses, flower ponytail holders, etc., etc. WHEN DID SHE BECOME A GIRL? she was just born two seconds ago.

2. matt told me a horrible story about the severe beating of a 12 year old's father that happened at valleyfair on the 4th of July and I have not been right since. then we watched this film, BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD last night and I've been trying to get both of these items out of my head (unsuccessfully). the film was intelligent and well done but a huge downer. the valleyfair thing. . . i can't even go into, really. ugh.

i'll just be here, in my idealistic bubble, pretending all is right with the world if anyone needs anything.

So, full moon then?

Something is going on around here. I am actually HOPING it's a full moon because if my kids are acting like this on their own free will and nothing else we have serious trouble. my GAWD.

I know that Bubby dropping his nap completely most days and now going to bed on his own has made for a turbulent transition phase but it's beginning to get ridiculous the way his behavior pretty much turns into the worst ever come 4pm every day. I keep telling myself to be patient and each time something random and ridiculous happens I say to myself IT'S THE SLEEP, IT"S THE SLEEP, HE CAN"T HELP IT, IT'S THE SLEEP. IT WILL GET BETTER. . . (hopefully). but still, there are only so many screaming tantrums ON THE FRONT LAWN IN FULL EARSHOT OF PRETTY MUCH ANYONE ON THE EAST SIDE OF LYNDALE AVENUE that I can handle.

also. I left the lawn chair cushions outside in the massive thunderstorm last night as well as THE DIGITAL CAMERA.
nice work.

I am feeling very crampy and full of PMS which again, I am not used to, have no patience for, and really despise.

Tips at work have been horrid, the idea was proposed last night it may be because of a certain newly hired employee. I don't have any time for that, either. I have come to rely on a good weekly $70 and it's getting less and less each Monday that comes around. Sometimes I wonder if there would be any market for teaching a personality class, or HOW TO BE TACTFULLY SOCIAL WITHOUT BEING ANNOYING 101. . . I mean, I realize that I am decades older than most of the people I work with, but I don't think that simple people skills are things that you should have to wait to possess until after the 20s, SAY HELLO, GET THE DRINK ORDER, TAKE THE MONEY, TELL THE DRINK MAKER. WISH THEM A NICE DAY AND MOVE ONTO THE NEXT ONE. TRY TO SMILE AND/OR MAKE EYE CONTACT. IF THEY ASK YOU A QUESTION, ANSWER IT QUICKLY AND CORRECTLY. IF THERE IS A LINE GOING OUT THE DOOR, SLAM A RED BULL AND MOVE THOSE FUCKERS ALONG.

I have the hell weekend in front of me, close tonight, 7am tomorrow and 8am on sunday. The man upstairs probably won't be happy that I still haven't made it down to annunciation to give him, mary, and jesus christ a shout-out but apparently, people on the weekends need their half-caf grande inside a venti nonfat 172 degree no foam 2 and 1/4 splenda lattes. i don't think this is right either, but the family needs health insurance. So until Obama and Clinton set us up with a national healthcare plan, I remain.

random thoughts and happenings

(list form, time is short)

the good:

1. charlie called me today. he seems fine.
2. my hair is less orange after a little fix session and cut at juut.
3. the neighborhood seems to be filling up with kids and babies.
4. I only have to work for an hour and half meeting tonight.
5. books. I got a huge load at b&n clearance the other night, many more on deck.
6. a good idea for a book/film website someday.
7. beebins is upstairs gurgling, screeching, and laughing to herself.
8. she said MAMA (to me) yesterday.
9. I haven't charged anything on a credit card in 3 weeks.
10. bubby loves reading about insects.

the bad:

1. the haircut is a bit. . . mom-ish, as in too.
2. people's serious self absorption and materialism is annoying.
3. people are starving.
4. people are dying.
5. people are not nice to each other.
6. there are more important things in life than orange hair (straight teeth, fendi bags, perfectly round breasts, etc.)


in closing: the story of poop-man.

poop man eats dirt and worms. he lives in our toliet sometimes where many other smaller poop kids are put. poop man is the dad of all these poop kids, everywhere. everyone's poop in the whole world is poop man's kids. sometimes poop man goes out on his own and gets lost, like in the oven. then when he wants to see his kids he just goes into the oven pipes to the fridge pipes and finds the toilet pipes. then we say, "BYE POOP MAN! SEE YOU NEXT TIME!"
the end.
by bubby and zizzy.

A few thoughts

1. judgements from other mothers
2. moron control
3. never being good enough


1. JUDGEMENTS FROM OTHER MOTHERS: i'll try to make this short and sweet. there is someone who i've met at starbucks who also has 3 kids, stays at home with them, and seems to share many of my philosophies on parenting. However, since I've recently started working mornings there (where i see her often) she seems to be casting a very heavy shadow of disapproval every time she sees me there as if to say, WHY AREN'T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR KIDS? I haven't been really that bothered by it but I sometimes feel like explaining, UM, THEY ARE FINE. THEY ARE WITH THEIR DAD. OR THEY ARE PLAYING WITH THEIR COUSIN, AUNT, AND UNCLE. I HAVEN'T ABANDONED THEM, THEY ALL HAVE SECURE ATTACHMENTS, I NURSED EACH ONE OF THEM PLENTY, AND THEY ARE HAPPY, SO AM I. SO IS MATT. I just asked him today if he felt any anger or resentment toward me for working on the weekends and nights and he said that he didn't. Until the next housing disaster/family drama/financial issue hits us, we seem to be very happy. I don't feel stressed most days and if I do, Matt helps me and I usually go to bed and wake up happy and extremely thankful for everything I have and the way things are going. I probably couldn't explain that to someone, but I really don't feel as though I am entitled to, either.

There was a line from Demi Moore in the film ABOUT LAST NIGHT that I just remembered. Her sleazy old boss was trying to get into her pants again after she had hooked up with Rob Lowe and she was trying to get rid of him. In the end she told him she loved this guy (danny/rob lowe), she wanted to have a hundred kids with him, and CHRIST! DOESN'T IT SHOW? I feel the same way about my family. I am mostly insane with happiness about 99% of the time, you don't have to worry about my part time job interfering with my mothering duties, I am completely devoted and at ease and at peace. CHRIST, DOESN'T iT SHOW?

2. MORON CONTROL: Some people have issues with those of us out there with several kids (several = more than 2, I guess). Spouting the bit about population control and the world being overpopulated. Yes, the world is overpopulated. WITH MORONS. There are parents out there who are trying to raise nice, moral, polite, intelligent children who will some day make a difference and hopefully change the world. People should at least acknowledge the need for this. After all, the baby boomers are not going to live forever.

3. NEVER BEING GOOD ENOUGH: I am reading one of my old textbooks from an English class I took at MCTC in 2000, intro to fiction: the short story. I enjoyed the class very much at the time but I probably only read about 4 stories the whole semester (and skipped the rest of them). Everything I've read so far is so SO wonderful (Tim O'brien, Alice Walker, among others) it makes me feel like there is no way I should even try writing anything for at least a few more years because my repetoire is so depressingly inadequate that it would just be ridiculous to even try. I don't mean that in a negative way, just that there is so much great stuff out there that I should really just try to absorb more of it before trying to write shit of my own. Of course, I could read for a lifetime and still not get to everything out there, but in a way it's a fun little quest to embark upon, like Henry Bemis in the bank vault.

Happy 4th of July.
Here are some happy bath shots.

The Dreams

Every dream I had last night was fricking LOONEY.

1. That I was in some large estate being chased by a huge COUGAR or something, with many other random people. The point of it all was that we were supposed to be there, avoiding this thing, like it was a game or something. I got locked into a closet where there was an open space next to the door threshold and I had to grab the cougar's paw with claws exposed (shredding my skins) in order to push it out and keep it from reaching in at me and swiping me.

2. That I had breast cancer. I had weird thoughts about this like, DO I HAVE TO STOP DRINKING CAFFEINE NOW, WILL IT MAKE THINGS WORSE? That was the first thought I came up with. . .

3. That I was at work, with this new fangled pastry case that piled all the coffee cakes up in a nice, pretty arrangement, when this couple came in and started throwing me all kinds of attitude about getting blueberry coffee cake that the refused to acknowledge was really blueberry. The girl had long light blond hair and kept pointing to it and saying NO THIS ONE! And I would keep repeating, THE BLUEBERRY ONE? NO THIS ONE RIGHT HERE!!! (which was clearly the blueberry one). Finally I guess I had had it because she was really pissing me off so I grabbed her by her long blond hair and pulled her head down so she was whacked right up next to the glass and I said, THAT IS GODDAMNED BLUEBERRY COFFEE CAKE, YOU GOT IT?!?!??!!

yes, I am apparently having many issues unconciously.

a few thoughts on a sweltering evening

1. I've said this before, many times probably, but i can FEEL myself ovulating. Right now. I can totally sense that it is my fertile 3 or 4 days because EVERY SINGLE MAN I SEE starts to look hot. There is a grinding primal urge to get knocked up again and I don't know how women get around this. Men obviously walk around with their urges to further the species every day of their adult lives but if this is how the hormones make them feel, I kind of sympathize with them cuz DAMN.


2. I was also thinking today that somewhere there must be an actual job for the things I like to do, a way to make money with them, maybe? Here are some ideas: professional optimist (you tell me about your "issues" and I will talk you through them pointing out all the positives or I will make you laugh with random useless bits of pop culture trivia and movie quotes). Cross-stitcher for old ladies' samplers or wall decorations. I love cross stitching. Professional reader. YOU choose the books and I will read them aloud to you. Will do different voices and/or accents for more money. Old school gaming tutor. Speciallizing in the Marios, Simon's Quest, Vegas Stakes, Big Brain Academy, and Guitar Hero (or any activision atari games plus Frogger).

3. Aside from the item listed above (1.), I have come to the realization that I am not what can be considered a "normal" woman. I mean I've finally taken to sort of doing my hair again and wearing a spot of makeup here and there, and I suppose I enjoy shopping well enough, but the things I like to buy are books and games. I have probably 5 pairs of shoes, 2 of which are "tennies," 2 of which are flip-flops. I don't want any more. Maybe this is because my feet are so huge and unappealling. I can think of nothing worse than a. trying to "showcase" them in a pair of strappy sandals, and b. paying some huge amount of money for them. I have 3 purses. One is huge and leather. One is small and impractical. Both were less than $60. I'm using neither of them at the time being because I hate lugging them around with us when there really is no room for anything more than cards and a phone.
On this note, some days I remember what it was like to be super thin with perfectly toned legs and abs and able to eat anything at all without any negative impact (or how did meryl streep say it in death becomes her? YOU STAND THERE WITH YOUR 22 YEAR OLD SKIN AND TITS LIKE **ROCKS**) yes, that. Sometimes I miss that physical youngness but I really don't have any desire to try to recreate it now, just because i would feel ridiculous if I didn't look at least a little mom-ish. The daughter of one of my neighbors already thinks I'm THE NANNY. . . maybe I look too immature to be a bona-fide baby-poppin' mama?

4. WHO DOESN'T ENJOY COFFEE? I still can't believe there are people out there that don't drink it. IF you get migranes from it, I'm feeling that, or if you're pregnant or nursing, sure. But the rest (miss the rest of me?)? WHAT GIVES?