Thoughts de Jour

Today was a day of accomplishments. Not major ones, but things that I've been putting off for a while.

1. a thank you note. this is my worst downfall. I take forever with this sort of thing but I do get around to it.

2. a doctor's appointment (for myself). Obviously I get around to this here and there as all I seem to do lately is write checks out to Fairview Clinic or Hospital. I'm sure they're thrilled to hear the news, more money for them rolling in, constantly AND FOREVER.

3. organization of every book shelf in the house (6 in all, big ones). This took a while.

4. organization of the kids' art bin. (which led to )

5. the finding of the pattern for my pitfall screen grab cross stitch which I someday plan to put on etsy and sell.

no laundry, but hey, I don't work again until Thursday so I'll get to that eventually. Not working=not a good thing right now. Every person at my Starbucks is in danger of losing their healthcare from all this labor-cutting (in addition to having their paychecks basically hacked in half). This is frustrating.

A few other things: my dreams are crazy. Last night I had one that involved me putting some liquid free base crack into my mouth and then somehow allowing Beebins to find it and get into it as well. I have a sneaking suspicion that this all came from a creepy expose article about Amy Winehouse that I read yesterday along with my inner secret paranoia that I'm destined to be an unfit mother (or RABBIT MOTHER as my family likes to call them) for having so many kids.

Unpleasant.

Also. I got rid of a few old film books today when I organized, ones I hadn't picked up since being in school at the U. This got me thinking of how things were in my life then, the year 2003, right around the time the war started.

My brain was exploding then from everything I was reading and learning. I would have class every day, pretty much all day long, with seventeen upper division credits. At St. Scholastica everyone took 18, so this didn't seem to be that big a deal to me, but at the U no one usually took more than 12 or 13. Maybe this is why I flaked out at St. Skanks. oh the money I could have saved. . . .

Every day I would read film theory, foreign film theory (french was the worst, the longest, and the most difficult to understand), film history, cultural studies, comparative literature, American history, and media/literary connections to Goethe's Faust (a fun little 2 credit-er). I would do the crossword puzzle every day and damn near finish it. I would read the newspaper every day and get paranoid about the war. I went to class with people who thought film, art, and literature were the most important things in the world. I went a good two years strong (with the exception of being at work at northwest) without encountering a single republican, let alone a conservative one. I guess that's to be expected when you're in a liberal arts program. I would stress out about how Matt and I were going to pay our $1100 to the government for income tax when we had exactly zero dollars and Matt had no job. Despite the war and our being super broke, it was still a fun time in my life and I remember fondly a lot of those days. I loved my classes, loved my professors to the point of having almost perfect attendance in every one. I made the dean's list every semester which required at least a 3.65 GPA. I lived for caffeine and free food. I walked a mile in each direction, some days in minus 20 degree temperatures just to go to class. I look back on all this now and wonder how I made myself do it; I was a pretty poor student before then. I guess I just had to wait until I found something I could really do and enjoy.

Kudos to Gary Reynolds at MCTC for showing me the way. Had I not randomly taken his film class in the year 2000 I may still have been a phone slave at Northwest, getting screamed at and threatened multiple times each day. Funny how things work out, isn't it?

Work

Laura Innes happened to come into Starbucks tonight (otherwise known as Dr. Weaver from ER). It was very exciting, especially since I very much love the show. . . I was hoping to write something non-threatening and non-attention bringing like, "WE LOVE LAURA INNES" or "LAURA INNES ROCKS" on her cup when she ordered but dammit all, she got a zen tea in a porcelain. She was very nice, very friendly, and extremely thin and petite! They always look so much bigger on camera!

The one thing that has stayed with me through the years was the episode where Romano takes over the ER and the staff actually wants Weaver back so Romano will leave, and when she comes down to check on things someone hides her crutch (so she can't leave). WHICH ONE OF YOU WISE-ASSES STOLE MY CRUTCH?

In other news, the jackass who barked the medium coffee in a double cup order came in again, this time sans awkward racial ramblings on his phone, come to think of it, no phone whatsoever. Which was nice. I was trying to have a conversation with a regular customer that I hadn't seen in a while and so I just thrust his coffee refill at him quickly just to get rid of him and LOW AND BEHOLD, he let me keep the change from his dollar (after the 54cent refill.) Still doesn't excuse his rudeness and social inappropriateness from before. . .

Opposing ends of humanity

Guy who comes in to starbucks, blabbing on his phone, says nothing to me when I greet him but instead just barks MEDIUM COFFEE IN A DOUBLE CUP and then goes back to his convo. As if to confirm this guy is a total douche, the conversation he was having involved doing an racist imitation of some immigrant (I'm guessing, as the accent he was trying to fake has yet to be identified) trying to order something at a restaurant.

Guy was at least 65. Super disgusting and inappropriate.

TIP TO MAINTAIN HUMANITY IN A SUPER SMALL AND EASY WAY: do not speak on your phone when you are ordering a drink at starbucks. Just don't do it. The message you send is that the person (OFTEN ME and the people I work with, so MY FRIENDS) you are ordering from is not worth ending or postponing a call/common courtesy. Ditto this if you are with your child. Your child sees what you are doing and then when your child is 14, they will do the same thing and neglect manners in the same exact way. Your rudeness carries on to the next generation. No wonder the whole world is rude. GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE.



Also:

A cute little family, mom, dad, and daughter (who was probably about 8 or 9) coming in, ordering drinks, sitting at a table and playing cards with each other. I thought this was so lovely and refreshing I about bawled. I'm so happy they came in; people like this give me hope. No ipods, no laptops, NO FUCKING CELL PHONES, just a deck of cards. I love it.

Okay, I've had it.

the McDonald's billboard? $4 IS DUMB?

let's just talk about it, shall we?

1. there are a handful of drinks on the Starbucks menu that are $4 or above. The seasonal drinks, including the peppermint mochas, peppermint white mochas, gingerbread lattes, and eggnog lattes are expensive. They are special holiday drinks that I think many people anticipate and celebrate each year. MANY people say how excited they are for the new drinks or that the holiday drinks are here; that they are special treats I think lets people splurge a little to treat themselves at different times during the year. When I looked on McDonald's website they didn't have anything comparable to these yet.

The other drinks that are not seasonal that happen to be expensive are 20 or 24 ounces, the biggest sizes (AND YES, YOU CAN SAY LARGE AND THEY'LL KNOW WHAT YOU"RE TALKING ABOUT) and frappucinos at that. If you are especially hungry or thirsty or just gluttonous, well, you probably realize you're paying more for more PRODUCT.

2. Hungry, thirsty, and gluttonous people ordering these drinks make it possible for the employees at Starbucks to have healthcare, including part timers, so thank you. McDonalds needs to back off them.

3. I don't think anyone will actually argue that something like SA brand cappuccinos are on the same level an actual cappuccino that someone skilled actually makes in front of you while you watch. Having a machine spit out espresso shots and steam milk is probably a nice luxury and saves time and energy, but you know what else? IT KILLS HUMANITY. When we're all living in the matrix and all coffee gets scraped out of dumpsters and recycled through a machine and given to us as if it's quality, then yes, I'll probably take it or leave it. For right now, you really just have to decide, do you want cheapness or do you want quality? Some people like crap or accept it simply because it's cheap and then assign it some sort of value or novelty.

4. If we're supposed to think that $4 for a coffee is ridiculous, what are we going to say to the people who spend $400 on a pair of shoes or a purse or $600 for a cell phone? Are they dumb too just because they choose not to buy the cheaper, shoddier rip off? Maybe the people who lay their hard earned money down for these things would shoot back that what they are paying for is quality (or image). hmmmm. . . .

possible insight into collections claim. . . .

This just FITS THE BILL. . . .

Matt considered the fact that RYAN FULLER (deck-builder, stoner, a deadbeat, etc.) had not paid his web hosting bill a year or so ago and that perhaps THIS is the reason NCO collections are calling us? Matt currently hosts this dude's website on his, so if dude owes money, they probably just figured it out and that Guerilla Graphics the current host, has now assumed the old debt? Sound par for the course after reading up on this company yesterday.

If they do call back, you can be CERTAIN that I will give all contact information, address, phone, and email to get them to the corrrect person. FRICKING MORON!!!!!

Two things that happened today. . .

1. I realized, for not the first time really, that my happiness and optimism are both totally tied up in food. Is this weird? That if we have something fun for lunch or something awesome to look forward to for dinner my mood soars but if not, the opposite? I wonder if I just really sit down and UNDERSTAND this about myself, my day to day attitude will always be pleasant?

2. We got a call from this place called NCO financial today on the voicemail, stating that a company name Matt has used in the past is being sought for collection of a debt. This freaked me out a lot, since I am the bill payer and I have tried to stay on top of things like that. The only thing anyone would be able to come after us for would be The Good Cook book club to which I owe like $39 for a Martha Stewart cookbook last summer. But I haven't even gotten a bill from THEM yet, so I know they weren't the ones sending us to collections. I wrote this contact information down and called them back but only got a voicemail. Things seemed shady. . . .

So I looked them up online. Seriously, I thank God I had the sense to do this. There are PAGES of comments on this dude's blog http://www.ethannonsequitur.com/nco-financial-systems.html. . . .
Good to know. I'm really glad I didn't even speak to anyone about it, but apparently they buy out your old, outdated, or past statute of limitation debt and then try to collect it from you and hassle you about it 3 to 5 times daily. I should really talk to my friend Erica about this, she is a collection agent for US Bank and would probably know how to deal with it.

ugh.

Good day, otherwise (food and everything:)

Buddism and paranoia

So today on the way driving my brother from St. Paul over to here in the morning sun there was an "incident." I don't mean a family drama incident, but an incident that caused me to seriously get worried about my health, and this is rare.

On 35 south right about the time where you exit on Diamond Lake Road, I started having this weird flickery thing in my left eye, kind of like I was seeing a prism reflected on the windshield, but it went everywhere I looked. I squinted and squinted, trying to see if this was something reflecting on the glass or if it was just me, but I couldn't tell. The sun was seriously so bright I was having a hard time seeing anything through the windshield anyway. But soon this glare-effect was still happening after I turned west and was away from the sun. I closed my eyes and it was still happening, in my closed eyes. It was like a weird, oscillating circle that just kept going around and around. When I finally got to our alley and parked, I closed my eyes again and it was still happening, in a major way. It was very alarming. I could not make it stop and I started to get paranoid. Of course the main things I associate flickering in the eyes with are migraines, high blood pressure, and BRAIN TUMORS. Super.


I got in the house and changed Beebins' poopy diaper and the whole time this continued. I looked in the mirror and everything "looked" fine but the reaction continued. The only thing I could think of was to get out a pair of sunglasses and put them on, which I did. This made it stop.

Later, after I got over my weird shocked feeling about this whole thing happening, I called my mother and asked her about her eye condition (ptyerigiam?) where, from sun damage, the eye gets a weird, clear coating over it that is sensitive to light and wind. I asked her if this sort of thing ever happened to her and she said, YES, VERY COMMON.

I guess it's high time I started wearing sunglasses. I HATE them, so this will be difficult.

Buddism, you ask? Well, here's how it relates:

In a really excellent novel TOUCHING PEACE, a Vietnamese monk named Thihn naht Hahn tries to explain how we should all be thankful for each day we have, each day we are alive and well. Some days when we have a headache or toothache, it's all we can focus on, and we curse each moment we're in pain. He says we should learn to appreciate the seemingly random, normal days where we DON"T have pain, and to be thankful for them. In meditation, we breathe in and out and smile to our healthy organs. Breathing in and out we realize we don't have a toothache and we smile at our non-toothache. I love it. I love it that there are others out there who try to be positive (he really is probably the greatest person at this ever, and I am just a petty, oft-complaining hag, but it's good to have a role model, I guess, despite my flaws and dissimilarities).

Once this ridiculous flashing in my eye went away I smiled to my non-flashing eye.

Some bluntness about myself.

I've just been sitting here, reflecting about the holidays and have realized one or two things. These things probably will give the lay person a good deal of insight into me (this is me, after all).

1. I have never and will never, get stressed out about cleaning. I don't know how this came to me, since my mother is an absolute lunatic when it comes to cleaning for company. I seriously do not give a shit. This is not a lazy-because-I-have-so-many-kids thing. If anything, I've gotten a lot better in terms of bathroom, kitchen, and vacuum duty. I have a house that I open up to anyone (within reason) who wants to hang out here. I love having people over. The kids love having people over. The place gets trashed? Crumbs are on the carpet? The laundry piles up? WHO GIVES A FUCK? Sometimes I am just busy, enjoying my life, my kids, my reading, my cross stitching, etc. The house will not fall down if I don't clean/organize things. In fact, I had to live halfway between a house that almost did fall down because of a roofer (KRIS SCOTT) and a teeny hotel room, and I have to say, now, that most people would have killed either themselves, their husbands, the insurance people and the roofer after something like this. Thank god I wasn't freaking out about crumbs or cobwebs. The missing walls and my sanity (7 months pregnant) ranked just a bit higher.

2. I have never and will never, get stressed out about silly ceremonial OBLIGATIONS. I'm not talking about religion here. I'm talking about RSVPs, kids' birthday parties, holiday cards, Christmas/Birthday presents, etc. This also came to a head last year with my mother over certain RICOCK things that I won't even list they are so dumb and petty. It's your birthday? Eventually I'll get you something.

3. The parenting culture today sometimes really floors me, not in a good way. I'm talking about our generation, GenX, for the most part. What a bunch of insecure, judgemental freaks we can be! I am dealing with this for the second year now at Bubby's school, where most of the Coach and Prada Edina moms about DIE when they see Matt for the first time, wearing something like a Snakes on a Plane shirt or just having all his piercings, etc, but now that the school year is half over, they are suddenly warming to me/us. I'm sure this has something to do with everyone actually seeing each other with their children, regularly, and being able to witness the fact that we are decent people/parents. Great. Maybe now they don't think we're meth-addled porn distributors anymore. HAHAHAHA WE FOOLED THEM!!!!!!!


4. I have never and will never understood "party culture." I can go on a drinking bender about once a year, almost always during Corn Capital Days. I guess I just got my dad's drinking aversion.

5. I honestly don't feel tied down having this many kids. Getting everyone ready and dealing with all kinds of chaos is seriously not that bad, and most days, it doesn't even phase me. This is due very much to the fact that Matt helps/shares with everything. If I had an unhelpful spouse I would totally be singing a different tune. This is really the Cancer (zodiac, not disease) in me just glowing and flourishing with my cute (large) family. I am so thankful to have all I have; we are so blessed to have these wonderful beings and each other.

3rd floor: complaints. . . .

you know you are bored when the items to complain about are not having fresh parsley and three buck chuck for the beef stroganoff. Matt of course would add having to eat it on rice rather than egg noodles, but hey, MY ENERGY/WORK= MY DECISIONS.

Controversial Survey

I needed some help tonight. Here it is:



Controversy

01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey? FULL ON. I think everyone should do it.

[02] Would you do meth if it was legalized?
What kind of nutter would even consider legalizing it? HEY! Here's this really good stuff that makes you stay up for days, eat nothing, and makes you look like the goddamned crypt keeper but minus the teeth, wanna try? Meth needs to go away.

[03] Abortion: for or against it?
Parenting is the most important thing any two people can take on. NO ONE should be forced into it. Give away FREE birth control in any form on any street corner to anyone who wants it.

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
I think eventually the male species will become obsolete and the females will support the world, like lion prides and many insect colonies, only keeping one male around for survival of the race. And that this might not necessarily be a bad thing.

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty?
I don't think something like this is my decision to make, whether someone lives or dies. However, I do think there should be such a thing as OKAY, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH CHANCES AND YOU'RE DONE, PERMANENTLY.

[06] Do you think Marijuana should be legalized?
I would vote for it, yes.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex?
Please. If you're responsible about it I don't care what you do.

[08] Do you believe in God?
I believe more in the idea of the son and savior, but yes. God works in there too.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
Yes, I'd vote for it.

[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?
Well, I guess it's wrong if the law is being broken but it's not something I worry about heavily.

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
That's her decision and her parents' decision, not mine. But how unfortunate.

[12] Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
For christ's sake, NO.

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off?
Yes. What exactly is going on there right now? I mean, I support the armed forces and thank them for serving, but the two wars going on right now are POINTLESS. And I hope everyone enjoys the recession and trillions owed as a result. Fix things HERE. There are plenty of things that need it.


[14] Assisted suicide is illegal, do you agree?
I don't have a law book on me right now. . . People will find a way to do what they want to do.

15 Do you believe in spanking your children?
In certain circumstances, yes. Depends on the child. There are probably better, more effective ways to ensure kids respect their elders though.


[16] Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
I never thought so, but given the last 8 years, I definitely have a better sense of what it feels like to be ashamed of your country and president and how as a citizen, it is an important right to have protected, (being able to protest and disagree).

[17] Who do you think would make a better president? McCain or Obama?
I was voting for Obama from the beginning, but here's the thing: McCain is a smart guy. He doesn't give off much personality in interviews (and personality is a HUGE thing for me) but he was at least competent. Obviously I don't have too much in common with the republican party. I'm not a millionaire, I'm don't think that religion has any effect on what the LAW should be or how someone runs the country, and I am anti-war. That being said, I would have been much more okay with McCain being president than George W, the worst president this country will ever see. However: the minute he brought Sarah Palin on board he went right into the old crapper, as far as I'm concerned. She's probably an okay person, and kudos for her for, I don't know, succeeding in her career, but that woman as a vice president was the most ridiculously STUPID idea anyone ever had.


[18] Do you think Obama will be killed?
I'm an optimist, so no. And I believe that if there are idiots out there who would plot something like that, then they would try to carry it out in an idiotic way and that the secret service is probably light years smarter than them.


[19] Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves?
Yeah, like the outer handle of my hanzo sword.

[20] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
I don't think they will surprise anyone. . . .

Literary Bluntness 2

The Working Fair

Today was a good day. I finished my shift and went over to the Edina Starbucks where I needed to pick up tips from a different shift last week. I hoped the whole bus ride over that the tips would be good but (Edina aside) knew they would not. My disappointment over the lousy six dollars was almost imperceptable because I had seen the bulging sack hanging on one of the coat racks when I walked to the back with the store manager coming in. "LOST AND FOUND." Everyone was busy working so no one noticed me digging through it. On my way out the manager asked if I would come back for another couple of shifts next week.

"Absolutely," I said with a smile and asked if they would by chance be okay with marking out an iced venti of whole milk for me for the ride home. They gave it to me for free.

The pawn shop gave me fifty for the motorola, seventy-five for the Miami ink commemorative motorola, and one-fifty for the Louie keychain. Avi seems to recognize me now.

So I came home with twenty four ounces of milk for the baby and a pack of actual Pampers (not generic). Tomorrow we'll go to the doctor for a check-up and then to the zoo, maybe.

A Day in the Life of the Privledged. . .

Chick with about 4 different COACH accessories, also accessory INFANT getting her large, vegan-ish looking KEVIN SMITH husband (yes, this combination was very odd for me to process, too) insisting that he get someone over to WIPE CRUMBS OFF THE TABLE so that they could sit down. Guess what? The condiment bar comes equipped with napkins! And had the previous table sitter not been JUST LIKE YOU (oblivious and disrespectful) they may have had their messy children, I don't know, CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELVES!


You would NEVER know there is a recession going on at Starbucks. People buy $5 drinks left and right, sometimes multiple times per day. People load their cards with HUNDREDS of dollars. Then, when I got home and started thumbing through the New York Times (that I lifted from work) I came across the Sunday Style section. Gucci bag for the bargain price of $1989. People live like this?

Two things of which I disapprove:

1. Crazy old bat in the neighborhood who is in a less than ideal domestic situation with her son and his white trash friends living with her (the WHITE TRASH HOUSE) making comments to Matt about the number of kids we have and how **brave** we are, but not in an admiring tone of voice, so not at all impressed with our **bravery**. Could do without this. I don't usually have to justify our choices in having more than the normal number of children when people see us with them/can witness that we actually enjoy it/have a good time being a chaotic crazy family with a bunch of kids, etc., but I can see maybe down the road having to get all Martha Sears on people and explain to them: THE WORLD NEEDS THESE KIDS.

2. Comments this morning on KDWB about THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T DO NOW THAT OBAMA IS PRESIDENT. This was an extremely tasteless, racially insulting bit of ridiculously uneducated and ignorant blather that seriously needs to not exist. I can't believe they even aired it.

Literary Bluntness

Tonight another freak stayed on until close at Starbucks. Not a drunk, this time, but some sort of schizophrenic who seemed hostile toward us. He didn't make any aggressive motions or threaten us but just stood outside by the mailbox for a half hour, staring in the window at us and mumbling to himself. After we walked out to the car from the side door he moved around as if to follow us and it was upsetting. And all the way on the drive home I cursed the way he made me feel unsafe and paranoid and judgemental, wondering if I shouldn't move us all home to Olivia or some gated community where everyone has to "apply" to live and interact and where I wouldn't encounter situations like these.

He then took the form of the hitch-hiker on The Twilight Zone, showing up at every corner, beating me to the next block or peering at me from the back seat with his creepy sunglasses on. Or a ridiculously fast running fiend like the Terminator made of liquid metal who could run as fast as a driving car. He became every villain I've ever known, Norman Bates standing above my bed when I was eight, Jason's mother stalking the camp counsellors, Mrs. Danvers in the burning house, Regan backbending down the stairs like a crab; someone whose mission it was to chase me down and get me. He was everywhere and everything horrible.

And I thought of what I would do if he followed me home or if I saw him on the street during day light hours with my kids, or some other alarming situation but then I remembered that the moment anyone questionable takes one step toward my family I become Beatrix Kiddo.

So, what to do about this? I don't like giving people power over my well being. Maybe I can just offer him the largest possible java chip frappucino JUST to stay the fuck away from me. But he'll be in, wanting more, to be sure. No one can stop at just one java chip frappucino. Today it's a frappucino, tomorrow it'll be a sirena espresso machine and a hander at knifepoint.

Some days. . . .

It pains me to complain (no it doesn't) but some days I really wonder what the hell I'm doing.
Working at a place for $8.74 an hour that will not guarantee me any sort of regular schedule or even **begin** to give
me any sort of priority when it comes to holidays and family sickness. . . . JUST so we can have health coverage.

The tradeoff is of course, being insured, having disability insurance, having a 401k and stock options (that are unfortunately both in the CRAPPER) free coffee, and little to no stress from the job itself.

I miss out on a lot. It's annoying.

And what's more annoying is that a national healthcare program would alleviate my need to go outside the home to find employment and leave me with tons more time to do the things I would love to do for a living (sell stuff on etsy, teach piano or violin, teach childbirth education classes, be a doula, and of course write). I'm not complaining about having to work, I really need to be able to, for myself and the family, but sometimes I feel as though I'm trapped in this ridiculous (often dramatic) retail workplace dead-end.

Many days I feel like giving UPS a call (weekends and holidays off).

If I don't get Thanksgiving off I am going to literally set fire to something. Like a starbucks cup.

Political Bluntness.

You know what really gets me? This whole "JOE SIXPACK" and "JOE THE PLUMBER" bullshizz that's being touted by McCain and Palin and how they're trying to make us all believe that they've got JOE'S interests at heart.

If this were true, I think there would be a lot fewer tax breaks for the BILLIONAIRES of this country. They are about as far away from JOE as you can get. At least qualify it truthfully: HERE IS OUR PLAN FOR THE PEOPLE THAT MATTER (billionaires) and then, JOE, you get a few perks thrown in too, in the end. We'll throw a small bone to you to make your forget about the trillions you and your children will be paying for this ridiculous POINTLESS war that no one wanted.

Also, never forget that the terrorists are lurking behind every corner. They want to take over this country. They want to kill Christianity and they HATE FREEDOM so you and your family will NEVER be safe unless a republican personally is in charge. This is where JOE comes in. JOE will be recruited to go and bomb the terrorist harboring countries and then get denied medical coverage when he comes back home with a busted skull. The other Joe, the BILLIONAIRE Joe will be okay paying for his once-every-five years colonoscopy and a few hits of viagra but the REAL Joe is up Tut-creek.

WAKE UP, JOE.

In other news. . .

I have decided to go ahead and go public supporting Barack Obama for President. Not that this has been a secret until now, but being ever so diplomatic. . . .I kind of stayed mum on it for a long time. The debate last night, or the little I saw of it made me excited enough to shout it to the world from the top of someplace very high. . . .this man is the answer.

Gloomy

Ugh. Things around here and in general (outside of here) have been really foul. I hope the universe rights itself soon. Without going into too much detail I'll just say that there has been pressure for Matt at work (out of no where) and a lot of weird stress. The kids have been off and it's something I don't have a lot of patience for. My hair is at least fixed, so that isn't a contributing factor anymore (and if it were I probably would have been certifiably insane by now) but I'm having annoying skin breakouts.

blah, blah, blah. These things are minor, but they add up. I HATE being in a worrysome state of mind. I hate not just having my normal flow around here, at work, and in general. I am trying to just maintain this sense of normalcy in the face of unpleasantries, but it's hard sometimes. The kids actually are helpful to me in this situation because they seem so carefree (for the most part) and accepting.

I always remind myself that if worse comes to worse, I would be absolutely fine with packing up, moving back to Olivia and working for the newspaper or something, and having a house payment for about half the amount that we're dealing with now. Safe schools, safe neighborhoods, and so much less busy stuff. I've wondered many times if it would be better to live in Olivia with a Minneapolis sort of perspective or to live in Minneapolis with an Olivia perspective. I don't think I have to verbalize which of these are the easier option, but some days I really think the alternate is the better one (for us).

I am enjoying the few little creative outlets I've been allowing myself lately, reading, writing, reading about writing, doing my pitfall cross stitch, blogging, keeping track of my blogs (!) and conceptualizing a new little pitfall project (felt landscape). If I didn't have to worry about family health insurance I would totally get a job and JoAnn and do little art projects, scrapbook, and do a total craft-y blog in addition to my others. In the future, and as they get finished, I plan on posting my completed projects on here and also putting downloads of the cross stitch patterns on too, in case anyone else out there thinks they might want to cross stitch themselves a nice little piece of atari art history.

The writing thing is really haphazard and not at all organized. I started the short story "Friends in her Pockets" last week and had a total overhaul in terms of the way the story goes and is told. All I've had time to do is an outline and a page and a half of crap. Getting time to mess with this is difficult but it at least gives me the feeling like I've taken so long thinking about it, sorting through it, and rewriting it over and over in my head that I don't think that any of these ideas I have are random whims anymore. Inside Republica Airlines is the (I guess) beginning of a novel I started as a screenplay when I was in school in 2003. This spring I revisited it and decided I wanted to flesh it out into a bigger, grander story and started writing it that way. I hit a wall this summer and had to reorganized some things, eliminate others, but I am starting to get excited about it again. Of course this is a very self-centered mapping of events much like the ones I experienced at Northwest Airlines, but a story worth telling, I think.

This is all the time I'll get. . . naps and chaos!

Lustful.

Foul.

The last few days have been wretched. My own disgust over what has turned out to be the worst decision I ever made (haircut from a random) is obviously influencing the way I see the world. What has me the most stressed is through this, I have to admit to myself that the way I look, physically, affects the way I feel about myself. Or in other words, appearances DO matter. I feel like every time I see the way I look in a window or mirror I seriously want to scream and/or pull a Britney Spears. . . .(un)fortunately there are no electric clippers around. Although a shaved head WOULD be an improvement.

I am very annoyed that I was not smart enough to see or know that a bad outcome would put me into a funk like this, or that I was giving this dude that much power over my self image. Perhaps this is why I need to just grow my hair long so as always to be able to have a ponytail option or bun or at least something non-threatening. Now my only option is to totally get rid of it, the gross bluntness on the sides where the thickness is so ridiculous and bad that it makes me mushroom head. . . . ugh.,

To "deal" with this, and to attempt to solve my own problem (that this is even a problem also annoys me. . . .there are after all starving children on the planet, wars going on, pain and actual suffering, etc.) I have another appointment with Slavka at Macy's tomorrow night. The woman who has been credited with every **decent** haircut I've had since 1998. Please, please, PLEASE let her have some way to fix this.

Also: we witnessed a bus accident on the way home from super targs today. Some dude in a motorized wheelchair **almost** got creamed, but actually got tapped as the bus failed to stop or even slow down until after he started rapidly backing up away from it as he crossed in a crosswalk when he had a green light and the bus should have yielded. He was unhurt, as far as I could tell. . . hopefully he is all right.

The image, by the way, is an accurate representation of the way my hair looks on top of my stem-y neck.

More Bluntness. . .

1. The person who I have referred to in the past as "Casey Fuller" needs to NOT BE IN OUR LIVES ANYMORE. I have about 1020 things I would like to say to this individual but as none of them are pertaining to anything that can be seen as "my business," I just have to sit on it and keep my big yap shut. This is very, VERY difficult.

2. I wrote an email to the insurance ids today, asking about the dratted wood floors. Matt thought this was the wrong move as it would probably encourage LeMaster to just INVENT a bill for the amount since of course there is no way they (insurance ids) are going to just admit, OH YEAH, WE KINDS OF JUST BLEW THAT ONE OFF AND HOPED YOU'D FORGET ABOUT IT. And LeMaster totally already socked you that amount in a bill they said was for other stuff, so I guess we'll just pay LeMaster a second time, me and Bob Smith will split the cash. . . .

Whatevs, we're supposed to sign this stupid form for Duke of Stupes saying we're done faulting him for stuff damaged inside the house. Well, no one ever got back to me about this, and I suppose we need to know if it was handled before we do sign it, so ONCE AGAIN, I am the only one who is on the up-and-up here. I am also the one that tends to this house, raises the 3 (sometimes plus 2 larger adult-size) dependents, and pays the damned bills, WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF TIME AND PATIENCE FOR THIS KIND OF CRAP. . . yet I am the one who gets it.

3. Security systems. Ugh. I just can't even believe I have to consider random thugs coming up to a door and banging on it at 2 am, but this is exactly what happened to a Starbucks customer the other night and she ended up calling the cops. I would be super freaked out if this happened, but part of me would seriously want to yell down to the guy, "HEY MAN, THIS IS LIKE, A PRIVATE RESIDENCE!!!" ala The Dude.

4. My hair would be super cute if it looked the way it does when it's wet ALL THE TIME. Each morning I look in the mirror ("Jan, put on your glasses") and think it's going to be okay and HEY I might actually like this. . .but then the wetness becomes dry, the thickness becomes fluffy and big and the mushroom returns. I hate the mushroom. I want to kill the mushroom. The mushroom needs to piss off and get out of my life.

bluntness.

I have very hostile, rude feelings about several "events" over the last week.

People and their boundary issues can beat it. It's so annoying.
John Neal, people at work, and anyone else who questions my intentions in breeding children, I think, can mind their own
business. Are we in China? Do I have 17 children? Is this an environmental issue? Because I can think of a few things to comment on (two cars, two Harleys? Do these things contribute to the depletion of resources and petrol?) I am not some goddamned crack mother over here, accidentally conceiving willy-nilly between my rehab stints.

Martha Sears said it best when people gave her the what-for after having 8 kids. . . . .
THE WORLD NEEDS MY KIDS.

I am soooooooooooo tired. Thank God Katie let me go an hour early today and I didn't have to work the entire nine hours of what I was scheduled. My eyes feel like they are bleeding.

Harry Potter in 40 minutes and Pitfall cross stitch. . . .Twin Peaks after that. 3 cuties that snuggled and played with me all night. Sandwiches from Lund's deli. Happiness.

Roman and Minnie's Letter to Guy Woodhouse

Guy:

We are both thrilled after hearing your decision to "join" us in our endeavors. This brings us more joy than you or Rosemary could ever know; perhaps after the birth you may actually want to consider postponing your relocation to Beverly Hills to examine our cause more thoroughly, Minnie and I both think you would make a splendid addition to the coven. Of course Rosemary may take a bit longer to see things our way. . .

We thought we'd send you some helpful bits of advice to draw upon during the next eight months. In collaboration with Dr. Sapirstein's orders, here they are, and we strenuously beg you NOT TO DEVIATE FROM THEM at any time. The results could be more than a little disastrous, and I don't think we have to remind you of all that's riding on this little bundle, now that your ass is on the line too. Don't forget that.

1. She MUST wear the necklace. If she takes it off you MUST convince her to put it back on. Use guilt, persuasion, or any other means necessary. Remember, you're an actor. Use your talents. P.S. If the string breaks, don't worry about it, we can have another one made immediately.

2. She MUST drink the drinks Minnie brings her. We realize there is not a whole lot you can do if she decides against this, but Minnie can whip up some more chocolate mouse if worse comes to worse and Rosemary needs to be sedated.

3. Confidentially, this pregnancy is going to cause Rosemary a lot of pain. This is due to the fact that the son of satan will actually attempt to devour her from the inside out if it finds itself low on tannis reserves, starting with its own placenta, the womb, and eventually all of Rosemary's inner entrails. This is why the aforementioned items are crucial. If Rosemary happens to expire we are fucked, not to put too fine a point on it. The big man isn't going to take well to having to start over again from scratch, especially after the Geonaffrio debacle, and I, for one, would prefer to live out the remainder of my life without the experience of being his majesty, The Dark Prince's sodomy doll.

4. We think Edward Hutchins may be a problem. Can you get back to us on this?

As always, we're willing to answer any questions you may have; we're right across the hall, remember. Pop on over for a vodka blush tomorrow evening and we'll draw up a contract proposal for Universal Studios.

Greatfully yours in the year before the Year One,
Roman and Minnie Castevete.

my least favorite libra. . .

Tonight at work this blond-haired dead ringer for Cory Rodelius came in and disturbed me. This normally isn't that strange, although seeing 6'2 light blond haired men seems to be a real rarity these days, but considering the fact that TODAY IS HIS BIRTHDAY. . . I am in a real state of puckery discomfort.

If I could see him now I would really like to say a few things, that is if I could control myself from vomiting just from the site of him.
1. Hey, remember when you tried to jump out of the explorer on the road to St. Scholastica WHILE IT WAS MOVING?!?!?! And then walked from there all the way up to LAKESIDE in October? Fucking Psycho.

2. Remember when you whipped the screwdriver (drink with vodka and orange juice NOT the tool) onto Lois's carpet in anger when you found out I (gasp) went to Willmar with Alisha and didn't tell you? Fucking asshole psycho.

3. Remember your crazier than a shithouse rat antics when I finally had the sense to break up with you? Fabricating car accidents? Calling the front desk at St. Scholastica about 30 times in one night? Godammned fucking asshole psycho. Thank god you're not a part of my life.

FORGIVE AND FORGET!!!!
peace-out.

my short story debut.

starts tonight.

I am beginning small, adapting something from a dream I had when I was about 8.
Friends in Her Pockets.

Small child. Being ignored. Ends up at this creepy old lady's house for dinner.

two rants: feminism and politics.

1. I've given a lot of thought lately (and technically this probably should go on my media rants blog, but it's more applicable to my "inner sanctum" of thoughts than just media in general) to ACTION BLOCKBUSTERS. They are all about men, written by men, and never about any interesting women unless they are there to service the men sexually. There are a few exceptions, of course, (KILL BILL being the best one, and about a MOTHER, no less), but why leave out the woman? Independence Day: First Lady gets killed, other 2 supporting women stand by while the dudes get to go kick ass. AND WHO'S WATCHING THAT LITTLE GIRL? no one. War of the Worlds: Mother absent while excuse me, TOM CRUISE gets to try to get the kids to safety? Please. Armegeddon: aside from being the cheesiest movie EVER, no mother. I realize that these films are made for men by men and that men, young ones that like to see a lot of ass-kicking make up the target audience, but hey writers: do not write about things you do not understand. Back to the issue of blind Mary Ingalls leaving her infant son in the bassinette to burn while she helped other kids get out of the school. NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. This had to have been written by some goddamned MAN without a clue. These blockbusters are like that. Mothers don't leave their children like that, they wouldn't allow them to be in situations like these, and not one mother that I have ever known would trust the kids to the father if life and death were on the line. There is nothing like the fire and passion inside a mother's heart. . . .not even inside the father. It's something that doesn't often get discussed, but the guys just don't get the same bond we do, I'm sorry, but it's true. We birthed these babies, many of us carry them around, attached to our bosoms, and wake up with their every whimper every night of their lives.

1. The first lady would not allow the daughter to just be gallivanting around the oval office, even if she was out of town, when shit like the aliens taking over the country was going down. Her FIRST call would have been to secure that girl in some underground bunker somehwere, like Cheney.

2. The red headed mother in War of the worlds would have run her ass back to Tom Cruise's crappy old shack to pick up her kids the SECOND something crazy started going down. Especially since she didn't trust him much to being with.

3. Mary ingalls would never have left her baby alone when there was chaos going on around her, like the school being on fire. She may not have been able to see, but she would have gotten herself and the baby OUT. This issue seriously drives me INSANE with anger.


Politics:

There is a lot of talk now about the economy being shitty and that the sky is falling.
NEWS FLASH: IT'S BEEN SHITTY FOR THE LAST 8 YEARS!!! IT'S ALL WE KNOW!!!!

Like Robinson Crusoe

(which I'm STILL reading. . . .since early this summer, but I'm on page 203 now at least).


I have decided that instead of allowing myself to devote any energy at all to worrying about what is going on in the news or the economy (when the sky is falling), I am just going to go about my business and not bring those things into "my island." TAKING IT OUT OF THE EQUATION, if you will.

I am happier when these things are not weighing on my mind. I have pretty much done a good job going about my business this summer, despite the distressing world events, starving and abused children, economy not doing well, starbucks stock going below $16, etc. I lived my life and didn't let negative events influence my outlook or mood.

In order to continue this I am seriously (for real this time) not reading the paper anymore. I haven't seen the news in months, probably years, just because of the business and small child factor, but now I'm dedicating myself to not read headlines or look at stories because I don't want any of their badness. I'll allow the crossword puzzle and/or the NY Times book review, but that's it.

also

here is my "position" on money, by anna purrington adams:

i am done worrying about it, i have stopped being stressed about it starting last year after KRIS SCOTT aka THE DUKE OF ASH ruined our house and i had to pretty much charge MY LIFE AWAY for about 4months and then periodically here and there in the months following because i birthed another child and wasn't working much. having your house ripped apart and then being told that 1000300200202 more things are wrong with it that need to get fixed, whether you want to or not (whether you can afford them or not) has a way of creating a severely indifferent attitude when it comes to money or debt.

which brings me to the topic of debt. i am of course, still paying for my student loans. i put myself through school, took out my own loans, and chose my own path with no help from anyone but visa, mastercard, and discover (nelnet and firstmark too, i guess). we jumped right into parenthood and home ownership once i was finished, despite the fact that i did not have a money-making job. in fact, i quit my semi-lucrative part time job at northwest because it was more stress than i was willing to put up with and went to starbucks, with way less stress, well, none really, but for WAY less money. as in hardly any whatsoever. free coffee though, that's pretty great. because i have these "conditions" which i chose with my eyes wide open, i have a shit load of debt. i don't really get upset about this, because that's how it had to be.

now, the reason i write this today is because i made a realization. i am very short on patience (especially after duke of ash situation) when it comes to money. is there a way that i could be totally playing it straight, not accumulating any more debt and actually establishing a paydown situation that will get us up and out? absolutely. however, it occurred to me today, that the rest of the world (read: people who HAVE the money and CONTROL the money) are miserly Matt-Rolen-ey GOBLINS who make it difficult for the rest of us to just live the way we want, and i'm not into letting other people decide when or where i spend my money. if you ask me, it's suspicious and abnormal to not have debt. of all the people i know of who are financially in a good position right now, i can think of ONE GUY who went out and did it on his own, no help from parents, scholarships, trust funds, or anything else. if i waited around for "legitimacy" i would have been 91 years old, childless, and still not done with college.

sorry, i had to get that out in the open.

a pet peeve

one of the most miserable things i can think of is boredom.

boredom in my life and boredom in other people, like their personalities. i can't think of anything worse than being a boring person. how does this even happen anymore? i'm not saying every single person out there has to be an eccentric, rambling, looney, but hey, say something about SOMETHING that's interesting.

boo.

oh here you go, cal.

a few things have gone on around here.

1. dear universe: please, please, PLEASE right yourself again, this business of whatever has been going on lately is NOT pleasant. neptune in or out of my financial house (or matt's) needs to beat it or fix itself and soon. too many random ridiculous occurances have been going on that have made me scratch my head and wonder WHAT ARE THE ODDS that this is all happening at the same time. it's like, IS THE DUKE OF ASH GOING TO RANDOMLY SHOW UP AND WRECK THE HOUSE AGAIN TOO, WHILE WE'RE AT IT?

2. class at the U this fall is out. financially it's just not the right time.

3. vito snagged a woodpecker yesterday and brought it to the back deck door to show us. the thing was still alive and wiggling and matt somehow distracted vito to scare it out of his mouth, flying all crooked the hell away from us. poor thing. vito was of course pissed that his "kill" was taken from him.

4. i love the fall. i can't wait for a big delicious PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE and a shit load of mums on our steps and deck that i will of course finance with money that would be better spent on other things.

dentists and other unpleasantries

we went to the dentist yesterday, bub and me. it went really well, good reports for both of us but i was a little on edge during the electric scraping procedures. i had to tell her to stay the hell away from my upper two eye teeth because of the sensitivity. . .i almost gagged a couple of times during the x-rays, but all in all, not a bad visit.

the best part of it i think, was when i asked her about coffee and coffee stains on teeth. she explained that the tannins in coffee were actually a benefit for the mouth. . . why, i can't really remember right now, but then she added, "That's as long as you don't dump a bunch of milk and sugar into it. . . " What i said was, "OH no, I use any of that stuff. . . " What i WANTED to say was, "Oh no, I TAKE IT BLACK. LIKE MY MEN."

i dreamed about boiling live chickens in water the night before last.

then also, a regular customer from starbucks and her daughter in either k-mart or target.

also that i left the kids at home alone to go somewhere, thinking matt or leah would show up and it wasn't that big a deal. they may have been sleeping, i can't remember.

seriously.

craziness in my dreams

my boss was unhappy.
he became my mother who was also unhappy.

i was disturbed at how unhappy my mother-boss was
and so my aunt and i staged an intervention

then the mother boss became my old previous boss.
who was yelling at employees in chinese.

updates.

I just the whole week off. It was quick and very enjoyable.
We hit Lake Harriet yesterday morning and the State Fair today. It was relatively painless but the kids
were worn out for the rest of the day. Bub actually fell asleep on the couch at 830pm.

I created a new blog, for the parental items I seem to have so many of. . .
for anyone who's interested, it's www.ThatChickwholikestoProcreate.blogspot.com

Freddy Rodriguez is fricking HOT. Even if he's a little short (as in -er than me).

very telling.

you can tell EXACTLY where i am in my "cycle" by a few things actually, but if i'm ever confused, all i'll have to do is go back through these blogs and see what i was dreaming about. if there are hot man dreams, i am waxing toward ovulation. bitterness or mother issues? heading toward surfing the crimson wave.

last night beebins FINALLY slept decent. i was THRILLED. however, when she did decide to wake up at 5am i was seriously right in the middle of a Clooney dream. I haven't had one in a really, really long time. it wasn't major it was just that i was going to get to watch a screening of ocean's 13 with him on his laptop on the floor of his hotel room. oh, what could have been!!!

some discomfort

two things. both involving high school chicks from back in the day.

1. one has to do with a friend request on facebook that i am unsure of how I will respond. . .
this after blogging pretty explicitly about my "issues" with said person, how I should at least try to remain honest about my
feelings about this person. . . honesty is all i have right now, since i clearly have no money or status or power when it comes right down to it. i don't want to deal with it. . . .i may just disregard it. . . forever. . . (!)

2. i dreamed last night that a family of a friend of mine (nameless) moved into our old house at 1315 w. fairview avenue. the dream was that instead of the ehlers buying the house, this family did. i was super SUPER pissed about it since the house and property and all the things (blood, sweat, tears) my parents put into improving it were completely ignored and they just went in there and started bulldozing shit and making it all gaudy and "new modern" carmella soprano style with a bunch of disgusting faux-artistic CRAP. charlie and i barged in, probably illegally, to see what had gone on inside and there were random, gaudy fireplaces, horribly ridiculous hanging art pieces everywhere, etc., etc.

i don't mean to sound snotty about the artistic/cosmetic things people do to their houses, but let it just be known that anything done to modify the 1315 west fairview house from its last remaining condition from when we lived there will of course be met with UTTER DISDAIN, be it in a dream or reality. i am this girl with a steel trap memory, i will remember EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED, ever. by messing with my (old) house, you are messing with my memories, which are equal to a money hungry person's millions of dollars accruing millions of dollars in interest. these are the things that i have, these things are MINE.

this dream was disturbing because instead of some random couple getting the house, it was displaced onto someone i actually know and had spent time with in high school (and am still in contact with today). jealousy issues never dealt with? perhaps.

a trip down memory lane. . .

to remember the kind of mood i was in at this time last year, pregnant and without a house, here is a blog i did on myspace:

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


mia’s first cat fight.

little brat.

was probably around 2 and 1/2, i saw it just as it developed, girl yanking on her head, pulling hair, and clawing at her face. i don't know if mia provolked her, I FUCKING DOUBT IT, but she may have gotten in her space or something minor.......i went over to the scene to rescue my baby as the brat's mother was no where to be found, and i almost had a moment where i wondered if i would have to pull her off mia but she ran to me with her arms out, bawling WITH BATTLE SCARS of a little fingernail gouging her cheek and a red mark under her jaw...........

before i knew what was going on or could start giving this little shit the what-for some OTHER spazzy kid, a boy, who had been seriously annoying everyone in the area not 5 minutes prior to this started beating up mia's assailant, and i mean SERIOUSLY CLEANING HER CLOCK. grabbing her, pulling her hair, body slamming her and pushing her to the ground. girl brat was about 2 or so, boy probably about 4. i don't even think thkey knew each other. soon i had to break those two up and go WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? STOP FIGHTING! all the while trying to comfort my own daughter.......



again. no parents of either of the other 2 kids were anywhere around, only me and alisha, looking at each other as if to say WTF JUST HAPPENED!?!?!?? little girl brat ran off to find her mother, little boy disappeared somewhere.

i try to not to get too judgemental with toddlers' behavior, but what i saw was this girl BEATING on mia, not pushing her out of the way, not giving her one single slap, but WAILING ON HER.
it's making me mad talking about it.

maybe i need to get my own LAMB OF GOD t-shirt or just start carrying a wooden spoon around with me? all matt would have to do would be to look gruffly at the child or do a death metal yell and that would be all she wrote. unless of course her mother was one of the regular edina moms who get all flirtatious and SEXUAL when they see him all pierced and alternative, trying to get all over his stick...........


FUCK EVERYONE IN EDINA AND AT EDINBOROUGH PARK. CONTROL YOUR OBNOXIOUS, UGLY CHILDREN. NEXT TIME YOU MAY JUST EXPLODE BEHIND A BOX OF KABOOM CEREAL, IF YOU GET ME, OR I MAY SPLIT YOUR ATOMS WITH MY DEATH GLARE.

I'M THROUGH FUCKING AROUND WITH PEOPLE WHO ANNOY ME.

did i mention. . .

that while very illuminating and beautiful to look at, i really am beginning to loathe full moons?

the chaos around here is 10 times its normal level. the only thing semi-holding things together is that bubby, in effort to secure himself a rubber snake and rubber shark from the rainforest cafe, has been really trying to be good, so his role in this is for once, minimal.

zizzy has 20030404303 fits per day about clothing, changing her outfits, and not being able to get into them properly. SCREAMING fits. she gets super mad and wants my help but doesn't want my help and then gets madder at the fact that she knows that she NEEDS my help. all her clothes are now taken out of her drawers and on hangers. the rest of the clean laundry that i had folded and sorted in a laundry basket is on the top shelf of her closet. i am not dealing with it anymore.


beebins. has not slept in approximately 3 days. the tooth has finally started to ridge out onto her gum line but the thing is, she is not just teething/tired/crazy, she has become the master sleep fighter. kicking and flailing and writhing around like a goddamned SNAKE. i thought the constant sleep interruptions were actually going unnoticed (in and by me) but right after lunch today i had a trademark SPAZ over something small (the telltale sign i have not had enough sleep or am just really really hungry) and i realized that THIS FUCKING SUCKS. she's getting the tylonal tonight, for sure. ugh.

zizzy got all of her teeth without so much as a peep. but this is also the child that slept through the night at 2 months, weaned herself a 8 months, ate every morsel of anything ever put in front of her and basically smiled her way through baby-hood. Oh and spoke in sentences at 13 months too, so if she ever did get upset about something, she told us IN WORDS what she was pissed about.

onto the more interesting items (not really). . .

1. dreamed about joey from work again 2 nights ago. this is getting a little. . . weird. again, not a sexual dream, but the implications of what happened in it are. . . disturbing. we were working at starbucks, i was the shift and he was the barista. then soon, MATT (my husband) comes in and HE's the shift and he's coming in to relieve me and he is going to close the store. so i'm leaving him this massive list of things that need to get done and pretty soon i realize that joey is leaving too, with me. as in, we're leaving together. i don't know if i'm giving him a ride, or if he's coming with me for some other reason or what, but the real issue is that I'm leaving work, leaving all my responsibility on matt, and i'm leaving with some dude. weird.

2. last night, i dreamed about lee gemlich (old manager from northwest that i though was hot). the dream also was not sexual or inappropriate, as far as my dreams normally go, but very random and strange. i was in some sort of detention at the U of M, for something, i don't know what. i think i was supposed to be a grad student. but a group of us were being interrogated for something and some creepy Mrs. Danvers lady was leading the questioning. I was getting mouthy and she was not impressed. soon i see from up in some little observation booth, lee gemlich is up there watching this whole thing. i saw him and wondered what he was doing there, like did he become a professor or something? then he came down because i guess he was the main guy in charge, and he had to get involved. i noticed he was wearing a red coat and goddamned riding boots or something (which now that i think about it, would make sense because he does bear resemblance to the actor jason isaacs who has played the main bad guy in the mel gibson film THE PATRIOT in which he would deffo have had on a red coat and riding boots. . . he is also the actor that plays LUCIUS MALFOY, who i also find intensely hot) and soon HE'S the one questioning me. but when he came down i had to sit down on this weird bar stool and face away from him while he paced around me in circles. the only awkward part of this whole thing was when i suddenly realized he was touching my back, as if to give me a back rub or something.

which, in my hierarchy of wants and needs right now, would rank WAY above sex.

rationalizing

i have not been very productive this week so far. i have not gotten up early to write. i have not done any denise austin. i have not
restrained from using my credit cards (my most recent and excitable purchase being THE MONSTER 1200 STEAMER, but i am justifying it because i am paranoid about germs, bugs, bed bugs, and germs from bed bugs after the maggot situation going on outside in the dumpster).

i have been eating a bunch of utter SHIT and all of these things I am telling myself are because A. "Her monthly bill came early,"
and B. Beebins has not been sleeping. Like, AT ALL. Waking an average of 4 times per night. her cold is much better now and on its way out, but seriously. snotty nose, developmental achievements and . . . i don't know what else do not make for a restful baby. today when i tried to put her down for her nap she literally FLAILED and WRITHED IN MY ARMS for the entire time the bottle was being given in effort to keep herself from falling asleep and submitting. annoying.

so really, i'm just blabbing and declaring to myself that i get some passes when it comes to being efficient in my misguided effort to try and be some sort of writer. i have set of short stories i am going to work on, bit by bit (bird by bird), but they haven't "sat" long enough in my mind for me to know them. so many of the things i write are kind of born on their own, coming to life and mutating a million different ways each day i spend with them. . . i just can't force this stuff. so in the meantime, i will be cross stitching, playing guitar hero, and waiting for inspiration.

and my baby to sleep.

thoughts

1. this has been with me for a while: many parents out there are stressed out way too much and really don't seem to enjoy their kids. i see this all the time, but mostly when we go to places like the children's museum, zoo, or park. i will never understand the parent who just lets their children tear ass around unattended while they (the parent) sit and do nothing but talk on their cell phone. this seriously makes me livid. I don't know why, i just have a physical reaction every time i see it. PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND GET YOUR KID DOWN FROM THE WALL! or stomping around after the kids, clearly in a pissed off mood and having no patience at all for kids (this is mostly true of parents of toddlers).

news flash: toddlers are ridiculous. expect them to be. this is especially true when you take them places where they will see other children, will be out of their element, will be hungry/tired, will be excited, etc.

2. matt's mother dreamed i was pregnant last night. the last 2 nights i dreamed about peeing on pregnancy tests. i know i said something along the lines of an immaculate conception being possible after seeing The Dark Knight the other week but this is getting a bit silly. . .

Bubby

gets beebins' nuk when it falls down.

breaks up pieces of soy crisps on her high chair tray so she can try some (without being asked)

asks me last night, "WERE YOU MAD AT ME IN MIA'S ROOM, MAMA?" (when in fact YES, i was, since they were screwing around and messing with each other) and is genuinely concerned that i may have been mad at him. . .

says to me just now (when i told him to get down out of the refridgerator) WELL IF I WAS A NECKLACE CARPET SHARK I COULD EAT YOU UP YOU KNOW. . .

rally round the family

I bested Tom Morello on expert battle mode yesterday. It was very VERy gratifying. I kept on with the next few songs, and wouldn't you know it, I'm onto some of my favorite ones now, Scorpions, Rock You Like A Hurricane, ZZ TOp, La Grange, and Pearl Jam, Even Flow. I am not actually playing these songs **well** when I do them, but I'm getting past them all the same. Even though I cursed him many times, the battles with Tom Morello really really improved my. . . technique, if you could call it that.

I was flipping through Facebook's pieces of flair application yesterday and doing a search for guitar hero flare, and most of the buttons that were on there were negative ones, as in, circle with cross through (guitar hero in the middle), or I PLAY REAL GUITAR. seriously. why people gotta hate? and if it's the musicians doing the hating of this game, well, GET OVER YOURSELVES. it's fricking fun. maybe it's not actual musicianship, but you definitely get a better score for being able to perform little rhythm things correctly, you have to memorize all kinds of patterns, be able to gauge where your hand needs to be, when to move it, invent finger board patterns to get a better score and do things faster, etc.

When kids do suzuki violin method (proper), they are supposed to spend the first year practicing ONLY on a little cardboard faux-violin contraption before they can get their real 1/10 size violin. this supposedly prepares them for the weight of the instrument, where to put their hands, and just hanging onto it in general. granted, every single guitar hero nerd out there is not going to run out and buy themselves an ibenez just so they can do it for real, but i know at least one guy who did it that way because he apparently enjoyed the game so much he wanted to rock out an ACTUAL GUITAR. i think that is cool. I probably won't ever be a real guitar hero, but i may just try fiddling around on an electric someday to pretend.

2. by practicing a little guitar hero each day, i seem to get better and better. I am going to try to do the same with writing, it's gotta have the same effect, eventually, right?

3. caramel frappucino last night. i was sooooooo bad. but it was very delicious. matt thought it was wretched. MORE FOR ME!!!

4. i got the brangelina twins people magazine yesterday at lund's on penn ave (thanks for the tip, lisha). i hauled ass up to walgreens 3 different times this week trying to get it only to find that they either weren't carrying it or they weren't putting it out until the other people magazines (about some abducted girl?) were gone. i got it home and looked at it outside on the deck and pretty much bawled at how cute they all are and how much I love those beautiful kids. So many people I know really hate angelina (and pitt), and honestly, i suppose i can say she's not my favorite person ever (pitt even less so) but that one shot, with the whole family lined up, sitting down, pax flinging his foot out towards the camera, and maddox holding shiloh laying down? That was the best, true, chaotic picture of a family, ever. suddenly 4 kids doesn't seem like too many (!) :)

(none of this can be breathed to my mother, who literally would SLIT MY THROAT if/when I ever get pregnant again.)

5. i am pretty much dashing the entire idea with this small short story i started and taking a completely different approach with it. that anne lamott book (bird by bird) really is a great inspiration. i enjoy her very much. now, if only she wasn't so damned negative and depressive.

6. i bought a star trib yesterday just to have something to buy at walgreens (when they didn't have people). I get the dumb thing home, glance slightly at the twin cities section, of course see something about PEOPLE BEING BEATEN WITH BASEBALL BATS AROUND SOME GODDAMNED LAKE PHALEN IN ST. PAUL and promptly pitch the fucker into the garbage. well, to be fair, i let beebins play with the sports and business section, but i definitely shit-canned the news sections.
what is going on? i haven't been able to read a paper for probably a good year, because every time i do, i read about some death or child abuse situation. ENOUGH!!!

my new favorite things

1. getting up early, before the rest of the family. i got up at 530 today and monday and it was actually wonderful having all the free time I wanted to do all my things. Granted, i went to bed at 1030 both nights but on nights i actually get enough sleep, i think i might do this all the time

2. guitar hero, on expert. it's wonderfully hard. i am obsessed. matt calls me KWAN the little prodigy that hacks the game in 2 tries. i still have not been able to beat tom morello on the battle, but i'm improving.

3. TONS of caffeine. (not new i guess).

4. um, fricking malibu rum and cranberry juice. have to be careful here.

5. beebins inch-worming all over the house. and pointing. and doing raspberries. NOT NAPPING RIGHT NOW i could do without.

more items.

about the uncomfortable cc-days "exchange": a friend of mine, who actually was there for the whole thing, thought that my dislike for this particular person was bordering on pathetic immaturity and that i was holding onto things that happened years ago for no good reason and that i really should get over it.

i thought about this for a while, and i suppose, in the run of things, the things this person said and did to me were not really the most horrible that could have happened. people all over the world are bullied, as in actually bullied, much, much worse. and god knows that i was rude to people too, said mean, catty things, backstabbed, and gossiped. but these things (sadly, i think) were pretty much contained within my small circle of friends and NOT to randoms who had nothing to do with anyone i associated with.

i'm going to quit mincing words now, because there really is no honor in it. if i'm going to truly feel these things and own up to my feelings, then i will be blunt about it.

1. jill boerboom has always been a huge bitch to me.

2. she is pretty much the only one from high school i can say this about (unless we start in on the class of 93, and there are a few from this class, but on a much less regular basis so they get let slide).

3. i don't know what exactly i did to make her ALWAYS be rude and mean, but from the sounds of it, i wasn't the only one she did this to.

4. in 7th grade civics class in the back of the classroom, while the rest of us probably sat in utter boredom while chet boen ranted on and on about something, jill boerboom told mikey vogt that i was the flattest one in the class. as we had been in gym class for a good number of months by then, she apparently had credibility to make such a statement having seen me changing in the locker room, first hand. to be fair, i think mikey vogt initiated the conversation by asking who had the biggest rack in the class, but the bit about me somehow made it into the conversation as well. for the rest of the year, the following year and the year after that, every guy in the class made it a point to REMIND me that they knew i was as flat as a board, the flattest one in the class, or (my favorite) TWO DIMENSIONAL. not until working in the fields in the summer before 10th grade was there any release. . . when adam serbus noticed and then announced, ANNA'S NOT AS FLAT AS A BOARD ANYMORE.

5. who the crap has breasts when they are 12 years old?

6. i think the only guys in our class that did not say anything rude to me about this matter were: Mike McDowell, THomas, Stevens, Jody Neu, and Steven Stuhr. Maybe Craig Sparby stayed out of it as well. EVERYONE ELSE SAID SHIT.

7. i have an extremely long and sophisticated memory.

8. i thought that better than faking a nice conversation with her at cc-days, my weirdness and failure to look her in the eye the entire time she stood next to me (while matt and elyssa yelled SHE FUCKING HATES YOU!!! over and over) was at least honest. she has never spoken to me about anything, ever. why she wanted to talk to me about the reunion i will never know. there were plenty of other people from our class who were there, who i spoke with, who i was never close with but had an interest in seeing/catching up with. . . .this was just different. i don't forgive her. and what's more, the shit she pulled with me was probably minor compared with what happened to other girls. she was not nice in volleyball, either.

9. i hope to god my girls never have to deal with someone like this. i know it's part of life, part of growing up, part of growing "character," being able to forgive and forget, etc. I will probably forgive some day but don't bet that i will EVER forget.

moving on

1. we went to see THE DARK KNIGHT the other night. it was GLORIOUS. i am full on in love with christian bale as bruce wayne.
i said it before on my media rants blog, but if it were possible to get impregnated by a film, this one would have done it. whoOt!

2. i am taking the shakespeare class at the U this fall. dove in and registered.

3. in order of preference, my new list of celebrities to have sexual dreams about is: CHRISTIAN BALE, GEORGE CLOONEY, and BAM MARGERA.

4. i miss the old olivia. things are just different now and every time i go back i am hoping for it to be "my olivia" not the real one it currently is. i think rod serling was very much onto something with all of his nostalgic twilight zone episodes about old men wanting to go back to their hometowns and realizing it was impossible and that they'd gotten old, things had changed. maybe people who just can't ignore nostalgia become writers or professional scrapbookers.

5. bubby is onto sharks now. i don't know what the hell i was doing when I was 4, but i can be sure i wasn't memorizing insect and shark books and telling anyone who would listen about their properties/characteristics/eating habits, etc. for all the work this child was as a baby (not sleeping, EVER) i hope this is an indication of things to come. he never slept because in the future he will be researching scientific items with which he will CURE CANCER OR HIV or something significant like that.

a fuller account

and i don't mean jake fuller.

to be fair, my brother was not the only one who let a spot of alcohol "affect" his actions.
looking back on saturday night, i really have to admit that i acted rather foolish myself when it came to being
drunk and disorderly (and seeing/talking to certain people at max's).

i had several drinks. i went to the front row of HAIRBALL and jammed out when they played poison (but leah did it with me, so i don't feel that dumb about it). i had several more drinks but at least had the sense to avoid shots; not one other person i was with, EVEN MATT, can say the same. at about midnight i was starting to get a little tippy on my feet and kind of started staggering. this of course was when the people i really REALLY didn't want to see or talk to came popping out of the woodwork. to deal with this, every time someone tried to make some sort of introduction or say hi to me (where i would rather have NOT interacted at all) i would just solve the problem by creating some other huge spectacle, like dumping someone's drink out on them (mostly matt) or on myself by accident, or tripping and falling (also not intentional but effective nontheless). without going into specifics or being really rude and offensive. . . well, people who know me can probably guess what and who this exchange was with. happily, someone else at the table decided to blurt out a bit of background while i was mopping up a spilled drink along the lines of HEY ANNA'S NOT AS FLAT AS A BOARD ANYMORE. . . . (thankx btw). other things were also uttered by my tablemates, things i can't really spell out here if i want to maintain a pg-rated blog.

anyway. i was very immature, it was kind of embarassing, but when it comes down to it, i am just not ready to MAKE NICE yet. give me another year or so and i'll consider it. for now, THE V FOR VENDETTA REMAINS.



also: we watched the end to harry potter and the phoenix today again, and much to my excitement, bubby has decided he no longer wants to be LUCIUS or DRACO malfoy when he plays harry potter, he wants to be SIRIUS BLACK (complete with whippy wand actions and saying GET AWAY FROM MY GODSON. . . .YOU'VE DONE BEAUTIFULLY, NOW LET ME TAKE IT FROM HERE).

oh the heart bursts with pride sometimes!

ugh.

hmm.

the last time i remember feeling this disgruntled after a cc-days was in 2003 when my brother was extremely drunk, rude, and disrespectful to everyone there save for his gross druggie friends. shortly after bubby was conceived. . . .
all was fine, really, the events went really well, we hit up crazy days, the park festivities, and the parade of course. the band at max's, HAIRBALL, was quite enjoyable.

there was however, the issue of being screamed at by my brother (in front of 4 of his friends and to the severe annoyance of bubby and beebins, who were both WOKEN UP multiple times by this as it was 4am) for his not having his own bed room and therefore having no where to sleep.

i have no words for how. . . AT A LOSS i am. i seriously cannot believe the rudeness of it all. things were extremely uncomfortable when i left this morning and i still honestly do not know really what the hell was going on. my mother of course **tried** to stay out of it but really came in on his side for most of it on a phone call afterwards, so then I am to believe that screaming your head off at 4am in the middle of a house full of sleeping children is acceptable if you happen to be feeling you were given the go-by?

gag.

in other news, i totally fell off the not-using-the-credit-card bandwagon the day before we left.

a few controversial statements

1. oral sex is meant for dating. who has time for this otherwise?

2. the good people out there that are decent and moral have an obligation to have many children in order to combat the millions of childbreeding morons out there who are not decent and moral. screw recycling and green drycleaning. save the world from morons. do your part: CONCEIVE.

3. minnesota vikings fans are like battered housewives, always believing the impossible will become possible.

4. men should never wear sweatpants EVER. and unless they are dressy and worn together with a professional ensemble, DITTO FOR BLACK SOCKS.

Somewhere in the world there are actual problems. . .

But in the meantime, here are the Starbucks patrons' issues.

1. some ESL dude and his "property" stood at the register and scrutinized the receipt of their FOUR VENTI STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM FRAPPUCINOS (which, after the cinnamon dolce and java chip are the highest priced items on the menu) and asked if we were certain that there was tax on a frappucino. Um, yes we are, and yes there is. Are you even in your right mind to contemplate that STARBUCKS wouldn't pay taxes? That the government isn't on top of that action? Please. 3.45 = $3.78 with tax. FOUR TIMES.
You were okay with paying $3.45 but when it crossed the line to $3.78, suddenly it seemed like it was maybe too steep?
Then as I plop them all up onto the counter asks me ARE YOU GOING OUT OF BUSINESS?!?!?! i said, this store specifically or starbucks in general? STARBUCKS IN GENERAL. ??!?!?!?????!???!??!


2. Pregnant granola south minneapolis chick comes in for her decaf espresso pods and sees that they all expire on august 31. a box of pods holds 12. has a scowling bit of attitude about it all and stomps out. if you have a box of pods that will be sitting around until august 31 then you are not a real coffee drinker anyway and clearly if you're drinking decaf you don't require any sort of quality whatsoever so who cares when it expires?

3. 4 year old child having a screaming fit because he could not have a hot chocolate. . . .OH WAIT. that was MY child. Then refused to walk across the street with leah and continued the fit out on the sidewalk but at least out of earshot and away from my coworkers. how embarassing.

Middle of Summer

yes, it's clicking by now, isn't it?

1. zizzy is wearing the butterfly princess ballarina costume that barb godin gave her when she was born. she insists on only wearing LITTLE MERMAID pull ups and refuses the cinderella ones. last night on the family trip to half price books she found a delightful ballarina book complete with butterfly wings, little star confetti, a tutu, and jewel stickers. pink purses, flower ponytail holders, etc., etc. WHEN DID SHE BECOME A GIRL? she was just born two seconds ago.

2. matt told me a horrible story about the severe beating of a 12 year old's father that happened at valleyfair on the 4th of July and I have not been right since. then we watched this film, BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD last night and I've been trying to get both of these items out of my head (unsuccessfully). the film was intelligent and well done but a huge downer. the valleyfair thing. . . i can't even go into, really. ugh.

i'll just be here, in my idealistic bubble, pretending all is right with the world if anyone needs anything.

So, full moon then?

Something is going on around here. I am actually HOPING it's a full moon because if my kids are acting like this on their own free will and nothing else we have serious trouble. my GAWD.

I know that Bubby dropping his nap completely most days and now going to bed on his own has made for a turbulent transition phase but it's beginning to get ridiculous the way his behavior pretty much turns into the worst ever come 4pm every day. I keep telling myself to be patient and each time something random and ridiculous happens I say to myself IT'S THE SLEEP, IT"S THE SLEEP, HE CAN"T HELP IT, IT'S THE SLEEP. IT WILL GET BETTER. . . (hopefully). but still, there are only so many screaming tantrums ON THE FRONT LAWN IN FULL EARSHOT OF PRETTY MUCH ANYONE ON THE EAST SIDE OF LYNDALE AVENUE that I can handle.

also. I left the lawn chair cushions outside in the massive thunderstorm last night as well as THE DIGITAL CAMERA.
nice work.

I am feeling very crampy and full of PMS which again, I am not used to, have no patience for, and really despise.

Tips at work have been horrid, the idea was proposed last night it may be because of a certain newly hired employee. I don't have any time for that, either. I have come to rely on a good weekly $70 and it's getting less and less each Monday that comes around. Sometimes I wonder if there would be any market for teaching a personality class, or HOW TO BE TACTFULLY SOCIAL WITHOUT BEING ANNOYING 101. . . I mean, I realize that I am decades older than most of the people I work with, but I don't think that simple people skills are things that you should have to wait to possess until after the 20s, SAY HELLO, GET THE DRINK ORDER, TAKE THE MONEY, TELL THE DRINK MAKER. WISH THEM A NICE DAY AND MOVE ONTO THE NEXT ONE. TRY TO SMILE AND/OR MAKE EYE CONTACT. IF THEY ASK YOU A QUESTION, ANSWER IT QUICKLY AND CORRECTLY. IF THERE IS A LINE GOING OUT THE DOOR, SLAM A RED BULL AND MOVE THOSE FUCKERS ALONG.

I have the hell weekend in front of me, close tonight, 7am tomorrow and 8am on sunday. The man upstairs probably won't be happy that I still haven't made it down to annunciation to give him, mary, and jesus christ a shout-out but apparently, people on the weekends need their half-caf grande inside a venti nonfat 172 degree no foam 2 and 1/4 splenda lattes. i don't think this is right either, but the family needs health insurance. So until Obama and Clinton set us up with a national healthcare plan, I remain.

random thoughts and happenings

(list form, time is short)

the good:

1. charlie called me today. he seems fine.
2. my hair is less orange after a little fix session and cut at juut.
3. the neighborhood seems to be filling up with kids and babies.
4. I only have to work for an hour and half meeting tonight.
5. books. I got a huge load at b&n clearance the other night, many more on deck.
6. a good idea for a book/film website someday.
7. beebins is upstairs gurgling, screeching, and laughing to herself.
8. she said MAMA (to me) yesterday.
9. I haven't charged anything on a credit card in 3 weeks.
10. bubby loves reading about insects.

the bad:

1. the haircut is a bit. . . mom-ish, as in too.
2. people's serious self absorption and materialism is annoying.
3. people are starving.
4. people are dying.
5. people are not nice to each other.
6. there are more important things in life than orange hair (straight teeth, fendi bags, perfectly round breasts, etc.)


in closing: the story of poop-man.

poop man eats dirt and worms. he lives in our toliet sometimes where many other smaller poop kids are put. poop man is the dad of all these poop kids, everywhere. everyone's poop in the whole world is poop man's kids. sometimes poop man goes out on his own and gets lost, like in the oven. then when he wants to see his kids he just goes into the oven pipes to the fridge pipes and finds the toilet pipes. then we say, "BYE POOP MAN! SEE YOU NEXT TIME!"
the end.
by bubby and zizzy.

A few thoughts

1. judgements from other mothers
2. moron control
3. never being good enough


1. JUDGEMENTS FROM OTHER MOTHERS: i'll try to make this short and sweet. there is someone who i've met at starbucks who also has 3 kids, stays at home with them, and seems to share many of my philosophies on parenting. However, since I've recently started working mornings there (where i see her often) she seems to be casting a very heavy shadow of disapproval every time she sees me there as if to say, WHY AREN'T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR KIDS? I haven't been really that bothered by it but I sometimes feel like explaining, UM, THEY ARE FINE. THEY ARE WITH THEIR DAD. OR THEY ARE PLAYING WITH THEIR COUSIN, AUNT, AND UNCLE. I HAVEN'T ABANDONED THEM, THEY ALL HAVE SECURE ATTACHMENTS, I NURSED EACH ONE OF THEM PLENTY, AND THEY ARE HAPPY, SO AM I. SO IS MATT. I just asked him today if he felt any anger or resentment toward me for working on the weekends and nights and he said that he didn't. Until the next housing disaster/family drama/financial issue hits us, we seem to be very happy. I don't feel stressed most days and if I do, Matt helps me and I usually go to bed and wake up happy and extremely thankful for everything I have and the way things are going. I probably couldn't explain that to someone, but I really don't feel as though I am entitled to, either.

There was a line from Demi Moore in the film ABOUT LAST NIGHT that I just remembered. Her sleazy old boss was trying to get into her pants again after she had hooked up with Rob Lowe and she was trying to get rid of him. In the end she told him she loved this guy (danny/rob lowe), she wanted to have a hundred kids with him, and CHRIST! DOESN'T IT SHOW? I feel the same way about my family. I am mostly insane with happiness about 99% of the time, you don't have to worry about my part time job interfering with my mothering duties, I am completely devoted and at ease and at peace. CHRIST, DOESN'T iT SHOW?

2. MORON CONTROL: Some people have issues with those of us out there with several kids (several = more than 2, I guess). Spouting the bit about population control and the world being overpopulated. Yes, the world is overpopulated. WITH MORONS. There are parents out there who are trying to raise nice, moral, polite, intelligent children who will some day make a difference and hopefully change the world. People should at least acknowledge the need for this. After all, the baby boomers are not going to live forever.

3. NEVER BEING GOOD ENOUGH: I am reading one of my old textbooks from an English class I took at MCTC in 2000, intro to fiction: the short story. I enjoyed the class very much at the time but I probably only read about 4 stories the whole semester (and skipped the rest of them). Everything I've read so far is so SO wonderful (Tim O'brien, Alice Walker, among others) it makes me feel like there is no way I should even try writing anything for at least a few more years because my repetoire is so depressingly inadequate that it would just be ridiculous to even try. I don't mean that in a negative way, just that there is so much great stuff out there that I should really just try to absorb more of it before trying to write shit of my own. Of course, I could read for a lifetime and still not get to everything out there, but in a way it's a fun little quest to embark upon, like Henry Bemis in the bank vault.

Happy 4th of July.
Here are some happy bath shots.