rationalizing

i have not been very productive this week so far. i have not gotten up early to write. i have not done any denise austin. i have not
restrained from using my credit cards (my most recent and excitable purchase being THE MONSTER 1200 STEAMER, but i am justifying it because i am paranoid about germs, bugs, bed bugs, and germs from bed bugs after the maggot situation going on outside in the dumpster).

i have been eating a bunch of utter SHIT and all of these things I am telling myself are because A. "Her monthly bill came early,"
and B. Beebins has not been sleeping. Like, AT ALL. Waking an average of 4 times per night. her cold is much better now and on its way out, but seriously. snotty nose, developmental achievements and . . . i don't know what else do not make for a restful baby. today when i tried to put her down for her nap she literally FLAILED and WRITHED IN MY ARMS for the entire time the bottle was being given in effort to keep herself from falling asleep and submitting. annoying.

so really, i'm just blabbing and declaring to myself that i get some passes when it comes to being efficient in my misguided effort to try and be some sort of writer. i have set of short stories i am going to work on, bit by bit (bird by bird), but they haven't "sat" long enough in my mind for me to know them. so many of the things i write are kind of born on their own, coming to life and mutating a million different ways each day i spend with them. . . i just can't force this stuff. so in the meantime, i will be cross stitching, playing guitar hero, and waiting for inspiration.

and my baby to sleep.