rationalizing

i have not been very productive this week so far. i have not gotten up early to write. i have not done any denise austin. i have not
restrained from using my credit cards (my most recent and excitable purchase being THE MONSTER 1200 STEAMER, but i am justifying it because i am paranoid about germs, bugs, bed bugs, and germs from bed bugs after the maggot situation going on outside in the dumpster).

i have been eating a bunch of utter SHIT and all of these things I am telling myself are because A. "Her monthly bill came early,"
and B. Beebins has not been sleeping. Like, AT ALL. Waking an average of 4 times per night. her cold is much better now and on its way out, but seriously. snotty nose, developmental achievements and . . . i don't know what else do not make for a restful baby. today when i tried to put her down for her nap she literally FLAILED and WRITHED IN MY ARMS for the entire time the bottle was being given in effort to keep herself from falling asleep and submitting. annoying.

so really, i'm just blabbing and declaring to myself that i get some passes when it comes to being efficient in my misguided effort to try and be some sort of writer. i have set of short stories i am going to work on, bit by bit (bird by bird), but they haven't "sat" long enough in my mind for me to know them. so many of the things i write are kind of born on their own, coming to life and mutating a million different ways each day i spend with them. . . i just can't force this stuff. so in the meantime, i will be cross stitching, playing guitar hero, and waiting for inspiration.

and my baby to sleep.

rally round the family

I bested Tom Morello on expert battle mode yesterday. It was very VERy gratifying. I kept on with the next few songs, and wouldn't you know it, I'm onto some of my favorite ones now, Scorpions, Rock You Like A Hurricane, ZZ TOp, La Grange, and Pearl Jam, Even Flow. I am not actually playing these songs **well** when I do them, but I'm getting past them all the same. Even though I cursed him many times, the battles with Tom Morello really really improved my. . . technique, if you could call it that.

I was flipping through Facebook's pieces of flair application yesterday and doing a search for guitar hero flare, and most of the buttons that were on there were negative ones, as in, circle with cross through (guitar hero in the middle), or I PLAY REAL GUITAR. seriously. why people gotta hate? and if it's the musicians doing the hating of this game, well, GET OVER YOURSELVES. it's fricking fun. maybe it's not actual musicianship, but you definitely get a better score for being able to perform little rhythm things correctly, you have to memorize all kinds of patterns, be able to gauge where your hand needs to be, when to move it, invent finger board patterns to get a better score and do things faster, etc.

When kids do suzuki violin method (proper), they are supposed to spend the first year practicing ONLY on a little cardboard faux-violin contraption before they can get their real 1/10 size violin. this supposedly prepares them for the weight of the instrument, where to put their hands, and just hanging onto it in general. granted, every single guitar hero nerd out there is not going to run out and buy themselves an ibenez just so they can do it for real, but i know at least one guy who did it that way because he apparently enjoyed the game so much he wanted to rock out an ACTUAL GUITAR. i think that is cool. I probably won't ever be a real guitar hero, but i may just try fiddling around on an electric someday to pretend.

2. by practicing a little guitar hero each day, i seem to get better and better. I am going to try to do the same with writing, it's gotta have the same effect, eventually, right?

3. caramel frappucino last night. i was sooooooo bad. but it was very delicious. matt thought it was wretched. MORE FOR ME!!!

4. i got the brangelina twins people magazine yesterday at lund's on penn ave (thanks for the tip, lisha). i hauled ass up to walgreens 3 different times this week trying to get it only to find that they either weren't carrying it or they weren't putting it out until the other people magazines (about some abducted girl?) were gone. i got it home and looked at it outside on the deck and pretty much bawled at how cute they all are and how much I love those beautiful kids. So many people I know really hate angelina (and pitt), and honestly, i suppose i can say she's not my favorite person ever (pitt even less so) but that one shot, with the whole family lined up, sitting down, pax flinging his foot out towards the camera, and maddox holding shiloh laying down? That was the best, true, chaotic picture of a family, ever. suddenly 4 kids doesn't seem like too many (!) :)

(none of this can be breathed to my mother, who literally would SLIT MY THROAT if/when I ever get pregnant again.)

5. i am pretty much dashing the entire idea with this small short story i started and taking a completely different approach with it. that anne lamott book (bird by bird) really is a great inspiration. i enjoy her very much. now, if only she wasn't so damned negative and depressive.

6. i bought a star trib yesterday just to have something to buy at walgreens (when they didn't have people). I get the dumb thing home, glance slightly at the twin cities section, of course see something about PEOPLE BEING BEATEN WITH BASEBALL BATS AROUND SOME GODDAMNED LAKE PHALEN IN ST. PAUL and promptly pitch the fucker into the garbage. well, to be fair, i let beebins play with the sports and business section, but i definitely shit-canned the news sections.
what is going on? i haven't been able to read a paper for probably a good year, because every time i do, i read about some death or child abuse situation. ENOUGH!!!

my new favorite things

1. getting up early, before the rest of the family. i got up at 530 today and monday and it was actually wonderful having all the free time I wanted to do all my things. Granted, i went to bed at 1030 both nights but on nights i actually get enough sleep, i think i might do this all the time

2. guitar hero, on expert. it's wonderfully hard. i am obsessed. matt calls me KWAN the little prodigy that hacks the game in 2 tries. i still have not been able to beat tom morello on the battle, but i'm improving.

3. TONS of caffeine. (not new i guess).

4. um, fricking malibu rum and cranberry juice. have to be careful here.

5. beebins inch-worming all over the house. and pointing. and doing raspberries. NOT NAPPING RIGHT NOW i could do without.

Weekend Happenings

1. Bubby has taken to getting the banjo out every time "guitar hero" is played and enjoys jamming with whoever is playing. Today he cracked us all up by getting a yellow stocking cap (of MIa's) and putting it on while I played ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE. "I'm bein' Slash," he told us.

2. The deck is lovely. We had noodles and company on it tonight (along with a few. . . glasses of yellow tail pinot noir). Ryan Fuller has his faults but the deck he made for us is really a wonderful thing.

3. Matt told me tonight that he thinks that Bub needs a brother. I asked him if he would be opposed to "rolling the dice" one more time, even knowing full well that it is possible if not likely we would conceive another girl. He said to let him mull it over for a while. To this I say, SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THERE'S A CHANCE.

hmmmm.....

4. I am reading a really random, exceptional group of books right now. LITTLE WOMEN, which i've been reading for a good couple of months now, has really taken a major turn for me lately and I find myself both crying and rejoicing at the sisterly events as they occur. I really have to say I love the stupid book and since I've been reading it, the kids have taken to saying, "MARMEE," which I think is hilarious. With any luck I can get them to start calling ME that full time. The other one I'm almost finished with is DESPERATION, which I have in my locker at work. I read it on my breaks and I'm about 3/4 of the way through. It's damned creepy, not that I expected anything less, but the more I read of Stephen King, his son, Joe Hill, or any author who has more than a few "works" out there, the more I realize that writers, much like actors, are very VERY self-absorbed and self-aware. There are items that King writes about, about being a writer, about being a father and husband that are so totally HIM that I just have to laugh. (not that I'm saying I'm any different or better, I'm not.)

Reading someone's book is very much like reading their own private diaries.

More on this later on.